I love sundress season, the way they occasionally and oh so tantalisingly waft up, revealing the treasures hidden beneath. But yes officer, I promise to wear underwear in future.
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Interviewer: So why did you leave your last job?
Me: Someone found out my birthday and decorated my cubicle with balloons.
A website for religious potato chip lovers…Christian Pringle.
It would be awesome if the Joker movie ended with Batman yelling “Oh HELL no” off camera and swooping in and just beating the absolute shit out of him.”
Just for fun, I think I’ll get fitted for a casket and just use it as a coffee table until the big day comes.
me: thanks for the little cup of mountain dew
nurse: what mountain dew
me: it was on the bathroom counter
nurse: omg
me: what
nurse: u drank my mountain dew
Screaming out “BOOM PREGNANT!” during sex is never as funny as you think it will be.
Me: [2013] I don’t trust anyone I meet online
Me: [2018] last night I met someone on Twitter and we’re moving in together to become paranormal investigators
I’m 39 years old and I still have no idea what I would do if a kangaroo entered my bedroom in the middle of the night.
Is fructose made with real fruct?
Can I come over. I got the zoomies and you have an open floor plan
Fool me once shame on you fool me 27 times you’re a piece of lint on the floor disguised as a bug
kinda bullshit my iPhone doesn’t recognize my face with food hanging out of it
Alligators can live for up to 100 years.
So that increases the chance that one will indeed “see you later.”
INSTRUCTIONS FOR FITTED SHEETS:
1) Know when to hold em.
2) Know when to fold em.
3) Know when to walk away.
4) Know when to run.
You learn something new everyday. Yesterday I learned eating 29 SlimJims gives me diarrhea. Today I learned eating 28 also gives me diarrhea
My bank says my password isn’t strong enough. Did it ever stop and think that my password has a lot going on right now?
I asked my doctor if I’m healthy enough for sex and he told me I’m not even sexy enough for health.
kid: dad, dad, dad I can do a magic trick, pick a card
*takes card*
kid: ok give it back and *shuffles* is this your card ?
no
is this your card ?
no
*27 cards later* is this your card ?
no…
Got a little bit lost in the woods. I’m putting everything into the clothes hamper in case of tics.
Heck, I’m going into the hamper too.
men invented arm wrestling so they could hold hands and look in each other’s eyes
I use my teethbrush then go play feetball and commit arms robbery. Just giving you a head up.
– people with the right amount of body parts
Na Fa Fo Na Na Fo Fo -Sassy black girl giving me her digits.
Know your sleep disorders!
Insomnia = Can’t sleep at home.
Outsomnia = Can’t sleep in public.
Upsomnia = Can’t sleep in a hot air balloon.
Downsomnia = Can’t sleep sealed up in your friend’s catacombs.
*lays down on the battlefield*
You all go on without me. I’m tired.
Me: You guys wanna play house?
Them: Sure
Me, throwing the nearest kid on a gurney: We are gonna need a crash cart in here stat! WE ARE LOSING HIM! And you said you thought it was lupus.
I’m loyal to my bakery. It’s called pastriotism.
If you put on country music in my car, I have one question:
How the hell did you break into my car?