Him: *being flirty* I wish we met when we were young enough to still ruin each other’s lives
Me: *flirting back* I can still ruin your life
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Removed my spanx slip and accidentally ricocheted myself into the neighbors backyard.
“I’m the world champion of hearing,” I lied to the girl at the bar. 20 minutes later the real world champion burst in and hit me in the jaw
me: [trying to cheat in an exam]
teacher: I’m married
It’s like nobody at this Bed Bath and Beyond appreciates me taking intimate selfies on every bed so I can decide which comforter brings out my natural beauty.
WIFE: [holding newborn baby] Ive never been so proud of anything in my life
ME:[thinking about that one time I drew a perfect giraffe] same
it should be socially acceptable to just face the wall at a party when you need a break from talking
“Do you believe in past lives?”
I don’t even believe in the life I’m currently living.
For parents, college is the opposite of kidnapping. They demand $100,000 from you or they’ll send your kid back.
Although I’ve been disappointed by some of the things cartoons promised yet failed to deliver, I must say I am relieved that my eyes don’t badoing out of my head whenever I see a fine lady.
Brooks Brothers just filed for bankruptcy, so now I might never be able to use this $50 gift card on one sock.
Losing a loved one during the holidays is tough. My dad died during Toyotathon
-Luca Brasi sleeps with the fishes.
-He has sex with fish?
-He’s dead.
-I’m not surprised. Having sex with fish doesn’t sound very safe.
ME: Humans have 10,000 taste buds. Cats have 470
SON: So cats don’t have much taste
CAT [watching the emoji movie] haha this is hilarious
Feeling low? Ask a toddler to say hippopopimas… no wait hippoppotimis… you what forget it.
Everybody wants to save the Earth; nobody wants to help Mom do the dishes……
Bananas should have really loud wrappers, like hey, look at me, I’m eating fruit!
Candy should have soft wrappers like, shhhh, I’m a loser.
FROM: Harvard
SUBJ: Your PhD application
We are unable to accept you at this time as “Teaching Squirrels Karate” is too cool for us.
Employment Agency: We got you an interview with a cable company, doing installation.
Me: *shows up to interview 3 hours late*
Interviewer: Oh my God… You’re hired.
me linking you to my twitter
Of course I don’t have any skeletons in my closet
I know how to dissolve bones I’m not an amateur
driverless cars????
I don’t trust autocorrect to pick the correct word let alone let a car just drive me …. by itself
The pastor’s sermon went on so long that even Jesus got up and walked out.
[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Wife: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?
anyone know how to get an air guitar out of a vacuum?
I’m completely naked under all this pizza.
In America, feng shui is just aiming all of your furniture at the TV.
My dog ran into the sliding glass door and she’s not even drunk. Good luck explaining that to your pals at the park.
I’m not an alcoholic, alcoholics go to meetings. I’m a drunk, we go to parties.
I try and avoid picking up turtles on the side of the road. Just in case they’re in the middle of a race.