If you’re going to flirt with me while I’m selling raffle tickets,
you had better buy a damn raffle ticket.
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I once dated a girl for 3 months because we were stuck in a hammock.
I don’t know why Coca-Cola and Pepsi are fighting over what Santa drinks, everybody knows that big fat belly can only come from beers.
[first date]
ME: I’m from a broken home.
HIM: When did your parents divorce?
ME: No, they were hoarders, and the second floor collapsed.
When I put my mind to something I can procrastinate about anything.
God: you’re a giraffe.
Giraffe: yay!
God: you have a very long neck.
Giraffe: so I always know when it’s raining first?
God: uh-sure.
Giraffe: omg I’m a walking weather app!
God: no-
Giraffe: there’s a 10% chance of rain w/55% humidity.
God:
Giraffe: feels like 72 : )
[first day on the job as a drug dealer]
*giggles*
“We don’t have coke, is Pepsi ok?”
*gets stabbed*
I wish I was a baby so I could pass out in public with a bottle and no one would look twice.
when i was 17 my car started to spin out on the freeway during a blizzard and the only thing that snapped me out of my terror enough to be able to regain control was the chilling revelation that I didn’t want 2 Phones by Kevin Gates to be the soundtrack to my death
The reason I look like I’m paying attention is because I’m mentally correcting your grammar.
I have no idea what you’re talking about.
so unrealistic when scary movies show an empty rocking chair rocking back and forth. there should be a pile of laundry on it
ME: [on my deathbed] this is pretty nice
MATTRESS STORE SALESMAN: sir, you can’t die here
The next time my husband asks me where something in the house is, I’m turning it into a scavenger hunt.
[at condiment counter]
*does shot of ketchup*
Me (gets in kid’s face): Wait your turn, punk
Wife: Oh no…he’s getting sauced up again
God I love corduroy pants. If only the fire department would allow me to wear them
*job interview*
“Tell me about a time when you made a positive impact in your organization.”
I quit
I’m becoming psychic. Looking at a dusty exercise machine and I see a yard sale in its near future.
When I die bury me with a whole mess of buffalo wings so future archaeologists will think I was some crazy human – chicken hybrid.
My daughter just rolled over in her sleep, smiled and said ‘waffles’. She’s definitely mine
If a group of lions is called a pride, then a group of humans should be called an embarrassment.
Cop *knocking on door* open up it’s the police!
Me: it’s ok, I haven’t done any crimes
Cop: The fashion police
Me *kicking my crocs off* shit
Never play poker at the zoo. Too many cheetahs.
me: *popping balloons*
kid: you’re mean
me: do YOU want to smuggle the heroin
The writing is on the wall, or on my teen’s arm because I needed to write down a number and couldn’t find a piece of paper.
In case you were wondering, Taco Bell offers free wi-fi.
Don’t bother asking for the password, because it’s totally “Cornhole Explosion”.
Did I say feelings? I meant uhhh sandwiches. I have sandwiches for you.
Moderator: your word is “impatient”
Sloth: can you use it
Moderator: in a sentence yes “i am growing imp-“
Sloth: in a
Moderator: you know what close enough *ding*
Sloth: oh great thank you
Moderator: what the
All the kings horses and all the kings men probably feel like they’re being grossly underutilized with that whole egg thing.
My therapist insisted i try something new each week…
…so i haven’t paid her
Now we wait…
China: ok. now we start the Great Roof.
me: 867-5309… and this is your REAL phone number?
her: yeah, sure