A charcuterie board is just dry soup
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There’s no point using Latin phrases if you don’t understand what they mean, and vice versa.
Why do we “shush” our dogs when they bark at the postman when 98% of our mail is bills?
Dogs get it.
Next time, join in.
Put a picture of a random coworker on your desk to spice up the workplace
A Muslim in London just told me Merry Christmas. I smiled and said and Happy Ramadan to you. A beautiful moment of interfaith harmony and a stunning rebuke of Brexit. Then she said but it’s not Ramadan and I said listen granny stop ruining this fake story I need the retweets.
*reaches the end of the rainbow
*discovers leprechauns guarding ripe avocados
Marriage counselor: ok, let’s reflect on the last week’s session
Dracula: *snickering* I can’t reflect on anything
Dracula’s wife: are you even going to try and take this seriously?
What do you mean I didn’t bring anything into this relationship? The washer and dryer were mine
Geez, you have 3 birthdays in a month & suddenly the restaurant gets all, “We need to see ID before you get a free birthday dessert, Ma’am”.
I think I’m about six months away from the perfect ‘before’ picture.
beginning a breakup text with “as the situation with the supply chain continues to develop,”
If you burned CDs for the car so your original copies wouldn’t get scratched, it’s time to schedule your colonoscopy.
My debit card got stolen at the gym which is fine because i will still continue to go so that I can train to fight the person who stole it
A microwave with three only buttons.
1. Hot Pocket
2. Pizza Rolls
3. 4 Hot Pockets and 60 Pizza Rolls
We don’t have any sports this weekend. Everyone can sleep in.
The cat: Bet
“netflix: are you still watching” bro, i have kids, i’ve been trying
Just realized my cat could be covered in tattoos and I wouldn’t even know.
Hi 911, I’d like to report a drunk naked guy blasting off truck nuts w/ a shotgun. Time of incident? [takes drink] In about 20 minutes lol
Angry church people on Good Friday are Fast and Furious
me: I just don’t think this relationship is healthy for either of us
bucket of fried chicken:
I think it’s important for us as a society to ensure that the person who manages the flavors for Oreo and the person who manages the flavors for Mountain Dew never meet.
My husband and I are very compatible.
He’s a problem solver and I have lots of them.
me: i’m so excited for fall!
also me: where the hell did the sun go?
[diet journal]
day 1: hungry
day 2: hungry
day 3: hungry
day 4: ate neighbor
I was getting fed up at my job and was considering quitting but they’ve upgraded the toilet paper in the office restroom so I’m good now.
When someone says “Idaho”, I still respond by saying “Udaho!” and I will never stop.
wife: i’m going into labor
husband: when
wife: now
husband: [sets plate of nachos down] jesus christ karen i just made these
Another beautiful day to waste the utopian potential of social media on social media.
In a survival situation, you can drink your own urine. Fortunately, my Wi-Fi came back on just as I was filling the can.
Her: hear that?
Me: nope
Her: what if someone’s is trying to get in to murder me?
Me: only person that wants to murder you is already inside
On average I spend about 25 minutes at Walmart …. and another 2 hours in the parking lot looking for my car.