ME: Boy, the upstairs neighbors are sure noisy tonight.
WIFE: Y— wait. We live on the top floor.
ME: *remembering my promise to the brotherhood of dancing chimney sweeps* Boy, sure is windy, is what I meant to say.
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Think you’re a tough guy?
Go eat a package of Oreos in the middle of a crowded gym.
I used to worry I was too sexy to be taken seriously. Life has proven me wrong, but not in the way I’d hoped
Overheard at the pool:
Grandma: what do you want the baby to be? a brother or sister?
*long pause*
3 year old: a cat
Every day before I leave the house, I pat myself in several places. Phone? Wallet? Keys? etc. etc.
I’ve just added a new ending to the search. I say:
Heyyyy Macarena.
me talking to family:
▶🔘──────── 00:02me talking to friends:
▶ 🔘──────── 00:06me going through the Wiki pages for the Netflix ‘Popples’ series & live action Flintstones movies:
▶ 🔘──────── 1:54:28
The more we travel into the mountains the more little critters I see. A rabbit will run across the road, then a squirrel, then a crab. What?
Me: I love my friends. Their interests? Incredible. Their tastes? Impeccable. I would die for them. If there’s a single thing they asked of me I literally could not possibly hesitate
Friend: Hey check out this cool song
Me: Haha cool maybe
Before you fall in love with me, you should probably know that I will read the entire menu twice of a restaurant I’ve been to a hundred times only to order the same thing I always do…
[Home Depot]
Me: I’ll take your finest home
*All surrounding dads tear up with joy*
OBGYN : What are you using for birth control?
Me: my personality
<at first day of t-ball practice>
Me:What’s the first rule here, boys?
Kid:Don’t poop your pants?
M:I was gonna say “have fun” but…OK.
If you want your kid to play with their toy just give it to your other kid. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
My wife took me to the most amazing 3D movie I had ever seen last night. Half way through it I realized: we were at a play.
I need to stay vigilant while venturing into the ocean this week.
Sharks be looking at me like “I can get three meals out of him.”
I told my therapist I was afraid of spontaneously combusting, so she prescribed me an anti-inflammatory.
My iPhone: Face ID
Me: 💁♀️
My iPhone : hmm.. passcode
The faster the ponytail bounces the more purposeful the woman walking
I just passed a beer truck on the highway.
“Wait a minute. I’m named after beer?!!?”
-My 6 yr old son, Miller
You can tell kids you’re friends with the President, they don’t know.
Sometimes when I’m driving I’m overcome with an urge to run into an overpass pillar. Anyway, I’m Kris & I’ll be your Uber driver.
The crappy spread on the sandwiches totally ruined the funeral reception I was at yesterday. I told them “I can’t bereave. It’s not butter”.
People make you wonder just how bad prison would really be
<job interview>
It says here on your resume that you are a “self-proclaimed man of few words.” Would you like to elaborate on that?Me: no
Is there an app that makes the flatline noise? Bet I could freak out some nurses.
“What does the fox say?” Whatever the Rupert Murdoch tells it to.
Ever notice most Ford names are more fun to say when you put “anal” in front of them?
Probe, Explorer, Excersion, Ranger…
Her: I feel like you aren’t listening to me.
Me: No thanks, I’ve eaten.
Baby Judge: You’re sentenced to 3 jars of strained peas.
*baby bailiffs drop their squeaky toys*
*an infant juror spits up*
Imagine dating, falling in love, getting married, having kids, and only then realizing that the person you chose is literally incapable of whispering