If I was a kitty, I would smack you off the table.
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I am not emotionally unavailable I’m trying to get my new scissors out of the package.
Some parents are blessed with amazing kids and others have kids that decide to learn the trumpet.
sometimes i call watermelons summer pumpkins and nobody ever knows what im talking about.
[the ’4 Horsemen Of The Apocalypse’ descending from heaven]
me: *clapping excitedly* ooooh, horseys’!!!
My teen son complained that the house was too cold. I suggested that cleaning his room would warm him up. All of a sudden, he’s not cold.
mom gave me mine for free
[in the world of chess]
kings: here’s a sword
bishop: what do i do with this? i can’t even run straight
If I’ve learned one thing in my almost-34-years of life on this planet, it’s that there is absolutely no dignified way to eat a yolky fried egg sandwich.
the girl behind me on this 14 hr flight has brought a UKULELE and she is PLAYING IT
when someone replies to a locked account it’s like watching Han talk to Chewie
[amusement park]
me: *arms up, screaming*
cashier: but that is the price
You know you’re hung over when people recognize you but they think you’re E.T.
My toddler has had a rough day. I gave her regular milk instead of chocolate and Peppa Pig didn’t oink enough
BREAKING NEWS:
Sting has been kidnapped.The Police have no lead.
If there is a god and he “loves” us then explain spiders
Are you a can of biscuits? Because I’d like to bang you on the counter.
*First day as a spy*
Boss: Did you bug the Russian Embassy?
*flashback to me ringing the doorbell and running away over & over*
Me: Ohhh yeh
nicole kidman please name your next child Teendude
Mom: I heard Facebook is now called Metal.
Me: It’s Meta but, no, they-
Mom: My phone app still says Facebook.
Me: They didn’t-
Mom: Do I need a Metalbook app now.
Me: No, it’s META and you don-
Mom: I can’t find Metalbook on the app store.
Me [shaking fist at sky]: ZUCKERBERGGGG
Never date a commercial actor cause after you guys break up and you just wanna kick back and watch the tube you have to keep seeing them driving a Kia Sorrento or being really excited about dish soap
Found 6 cents in the laundry and all I can say is this family better start tipping better if they want fabric softener
What if we gave the railroad workers LSD?
– inventor of the roller coaster
Well at least the world isn’t spinning uncontrollably around a huge ball of fire.
I don’t trust people with glasses, they could be superman
Sorry, can’t. The pears I bought 4 days ago have ripened and I literally have a 15 minute window in which to eat all six.
WAITER: you can choose between 5 potato options and a salad
ME: [leaning in] the 5 potato options please
I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “Your guess is as good as mine.”
[creepy mansion]
ME: That portrait is watching us
MAN: No way
ME: [goes right up to portrait] I’m vegan
PORTRAIT: [rolls eyes]
ME: I knew it
Accidentally sucked up a ghost in my vacuum cleaner, not sure what the protocol is for this
My soon to be ex-wife just told me I need to face my demons.
WTF. I was looking right at her.