a talented computer hacker can bring down any man, no matter how rich or powerful, by smashing him over the head with a brick
You Might Also Like
My generation acts like they invented podcasts but my mom has been leaving 40min voicemails since before the internet.
I followed the link to your résumé but it brought me to some website called FunnyTweeter..? Anyway Im laughin my butt off, youre hired dude
If my kids ask, the police will arrest me if I let them stay up late.
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: hindsight
professor x: that won’t help us
me: yes i see that now
Sometimes, even I can’t tell if I’m being sarcastic or if I’m really just a bitch.
GAME SHOW HOST: Dave, welcome to Embarrass Yourself For Little To No Gain. Are you ready?
ME: Buddy, I’ve been training my entire life for this.
Toddler: What’s for dinner?
Me: Fish cakes.
Toddler [wide eyes]: FISH CAKES!? Is there frosting?!
Me:
Me:
Me:
Me: ……. Sure.
Matthew 28, John 20. Luke 24, Mark 21. That means Matthew and Luke will meet in the finals.
Me: get behind me Satan!
Satan: not tonight, I’ve got a headache
Happy birthday to all the women
If you don’t call ahead of time I won’t answer the door, but I don’t answer phones, so you see the dilemma.
Clueless is my favorite movie about how rich people have real hard problems too
*sees cute girl on sidewalk*
nice
*she makes eye contact*
oh wow
*she smiles*
is this happening
*she’s holding a clipboard*
god dammit
Teen made a complicated dinner
16yo proudly: Let me show you!
Kitchen just as proud: Let me show you too!
Coworker: You smell good. What is that? Armani?
Me: Thanks! It’s Febreze. I just took a dump.
Yesterday my colleague called me a ‘laptop murderer’ because I cut my computer in half to make it more portable. Does anyone else do this? Is it just me?
While you guys were wasting your time talking about politics I got banned from the Yahoo Answers ‘Horse’ section
“can we play our computers on the plane?”
bro, you and your sister can give each other face tattoos for all I care, just leave me alone
I may have failed as a lifeguard in myriad ways, but don’t you dare say I wasn’t punctual.
Been looking for you, every, single, day in the obituaries.
Darling
*cocks gun*
Me: “Go ahead.”
Horse: “Just be cool, man.”
Me: “DRINK.”
Horse: “No problem. It’s just a stupid expression.”
If you still had hope for kids today, a teenager in a bookstore pointed to a book title and asked me if it was about World War Two or Eleven
my body’s saying “let’s go,” but my heart is saying “a pet iguana is a huge responsibility, mark.”
I always chalk the pool cue as if it is going to make a difference
“If you’re happy and you know it, Stay in Bed. If you’re happy and you know it, Stay in Bed. If you’re happy and you know it, getting up will surely blow it. If you’re happy and you know it, STAY IN BED!”
Ive just finished writing my first ever childrens novel. It’s called ‘We’re poor because of you’.
Squid Game, but it’s me giving my cat a bath.
Men and women can be ‘just friends’ if one of them is a ghost.
Twitter is kinda like my diary except I don’t use a glitter gel pen or tell you guys how much I miss Josh.
I tried dusting after five energy drinks now my house is on fire.