It’s widely known that some members of a prison population become well-read and crafty with words.
Sometimes you can mix prose with cons.
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Son: Can we go to the beach?
Me: *dumps a bucket of sand down his shorts* There you go, bud.
me: can I buy you a drink
girl (who is a teacher): I don’t know, can you?
me (also a teacher): no
Oh and I’d like to thank autocorrect for changing “Thanks for the good info” to “Thanks for the fool info”
My boss says I have to wear pants to work even if it is my birthday. Rude.
Sorry I replied “yikes” to your selfie.
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself. And spiders. And enclosed spaces. And snakes. And heights. And diseases. And sharks. And that goddamn clown from “IT.” – My presidential inauguration speech
[Quarantine, Day 5]
Me: Amelia, push my afternoon meetings this conference call is running long
My daughter’s Amelia Bedelia doll wearing a Bluetooth:
Had my arms full of groceries, struggled to get my front door unlocked, & the door caught the back of my shoe & pulled it right off. I stumbled & dropped my groceries. Shoe stayed stuck outside my door. Worst remake of Cinderella ever.
[being strapped to a medieval torture table]
“tbh not what I thought you meant when you said you were going to show me a nice rack”
Apparently losing my mind was not the answer they expected when they asked what my plans for the weekend are
Spring is coming – I bet the trees will be releaved.
75% of parenting is taking their keys to punish them
And giving them back because they’re driving you crazy
Coronavirus Quarantine Diary, Day 11:
[6 AM]
Me [waking Child]: Hey.
Child: mmmph what
Me: It snowed last night so you have no school today.
Child: YAY
Me: Just kidding get up you’re homeschooled now.
You give me that many goddamn birds for one f****** holiday and I’m grilling the shit out of them. Lemon pepper turtle doves, anyone?
[Sesame Street casting]
Director: We need role models for the kids
“There’s a grouch and a cookie addict”
Director: Anything else?
“Two jobless roommates”
Director: First of all I love it
I asked my boyfriend what he wanted for his birthday and he said 20 dollars
I’m not surprised I woke up with a mannequin after too much to drink. I am surprised though that I used a condom
*agrees with someone online* Yeah, I agree.
*disagrees with someone online* YOU’RE NOT JUST WRONG YOU’RE HITLER AND I HATE YOU FOREVER
i love it when my pets sigh like what ails you my little unemployed freeloader
I turn to my freezer as I fill up an ice cube tray with water. “Hey, can you do me a solid?”
Barney: [skipping pebbles across the lake]
Fred: MY DAUGHTER!
Motion to replace the Supreme Court with a Burrito Supreme
Apparently waterboarding Tim from marketing is not considered an acceptable team building exercise.
[ad for florist]
Do you need to get a gift for your wife that requires no thought, but also dies in 4 days?
There should be a safe word for small talk:
“So how about this weather we’re hav -”
“RUTABAGA! GOD DAMN IT JIM, RUTABAGA.”
Let’s play doctor. You tell me about your chronic pain, and I’ll stare at a laptop the whole time, then recommend you lose weight.
her: i’m leaving you
me: is it because of my obsession with emo rock bands
her: no it’s because of the weird chemistry fanfics that you keep writing
me: i knew it! you hate my chemical romance
As I drove into the cemetery, the GPS announced I had reached my final destination.
*slips $5 to the mortician*
Me: How about – stop screaming – how about you give me another 10 minutes, this is a great place to nap.
I’d congratulate you on the birth of your first child, but I have 2 of my own so here’s a sympathy card and a case of wine.