doctor: describe your morning routine
me: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance
doctor: m-o-r-n-i-n-g
me: I know how to spell it
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A friend text me after the election to ask how I was doing. Now she says I’m mad at her because I haven’t answered, but I’m still typing.
Date: I usually go for the most annoying people possible
Me: actually I just listened to a podcast about that..
Date: *starts playing with hair* oh really
Ugh, stalkers are horrible.
You’d think SOMEONE could’ve let me know I was out of toilet paper.
If I ran a swamp tour in Florida there’d be a lot of people that wouldn’t make it back to the boat launch.
My mom’s favorite part of my birthday is describing my birth in detail to an 18 year old waitress who is just there to get our drink order.
watching the football game but shaking my head the whole time so everybody knows i disagree with it
#JohnTravolta
Ever notice how crickets can be ventriloquists? You think you’ve figured out where they are in the house only to hear that they’re somewhere behind you.
Law enforcement’s cracking down on texting while driving, but there’s no law against standing up and playing saxophone through your sunroof.
First rule of brown girl club: Don’t wear pink & white striped shirts; you’ll look like Neopolitan ice cream.
“Guess what!”
“What?”
“I went clubbing and did the Bus Driver last night!”
“Oh I love that dance move!”
“It’s a dance move?”
if you have a roomba but don’t dress it up in little outfits then what are you even doing
my husband pointed out that i “do a little shoulder dance” when i’m eating a good meal, and with a growing sense of horror, i consider the many amazing meals i’ve eaten with colleagues and bosses…
People are like snowflakes: I can’t talk to them.
Soldier Dying on Omaha Beach.
“dont forget to tell my wife i love her…
and…and…honor me every year with a
…..mattress sale.”
Imagine if food was sports
No time to talk I have bacon tryouts today.
“I will not have my voice silenced! This is censorship! This is against the constitution!”
“But sir. This is a library.”
Me (drunk): I was over served tonight
Friend: aren’t you home alone?
Me: OVER SERVED!
ACCORDING TO ALL KNOWN LAWS
OF AVIATION,THERE IS NO WAY A BEE
SHOULD BE ABLE TO FLY.ITS WINGS ARE TOO SMALL TO GET
ITS FAT LITTLE BODY OFF THE GROUND.THE BEE, OF COURSE, FLIES ANYWAY
BECAUSE BEES DON’T CARE
WHAT HUMANS THINK IS IMPOSSIBLE.
TECH HIRING MANAGER: Have you done IT work before?
PENNYWISE: Done IT? Pal, I’ve lived IT
Just great—woke up on a park bench, missing a kidney.
Again.
Third time this week.
My toddler was babbling a mile a minute first thing this morning and my 4yo said, ‘I’m going to need pancakes if I’m going to listen to you,’ so he’s my stress management coach now.
Sure, my bologna has a first name, but he’s a stickler for manners so he insists we still call him Mr. Bologna.
haha sucks for women that they have to sit down to poop
“I’ve made my point.” -good worker at a pencil factory
THEM: Don’t you want to have a baby?
ME: No thanks, I’m full
Shout out to the people wondering what the opposite of in is
why isn’t thunder called soundning
Make your cavity search more entertaining by keistering surprises for the TSA agent.
What did you find, Gary? No that’s not a Chinese finger trap. Keep looking.
I like listening to Phil Collins in the shower. He gets creeped out when he sees me, though.