Revenge is a dish best served with revengetables.
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If by putting clean sheets on my bed you mean I piled unfolded clean sheets on my bed and then used them as a cuddle buddy for a week, then yes, I put new sheets on my bed.
In medieval times, infant mortality was so high that parents would often avoid posting pregnancy pics on Facebook until the 3rd trimester.
Husband: I almost ate an entire pan of Rice Krispies treats.
Me: Almost? Quitter.
Dear millionaires,
If you don’t have a bookcase that spins into a secret room then give your money to me because you’re spending it wrong.
[throwing coin into fountain] I wish I was better with money
It never fricken fails; I wash my car, and the very next day, I hit a pedestrian.
Back seat drivers are all the same..
“Why we going into the woods?” “Let me out”
Marriage counsellor: What’s the problem?
Wife: He is so literal. It drives me mad.
MC: And how do you feel, Stephen?
Me: With my hands.
Hard to tell if the wife is more upset that I referred to our anniversary as an ‘annual appraisal’ or that she got a C
What’s that little “-” in front of the temperature mean?
The “eye for an eye” philosophy isn’t exactly a level playing field if your grievance is with a cyclops.
political ads are like “i”m the only one strong enough to stand for what’s right” then they send you an email “they’re kicking my ass, i’m desperate, i’m losing this thing, i need your $5”
Me: wow I can’t believe these were only 2 dollars, they look like such good quality nobody will ever know they weren’t expensive!
Someone: oh wow nice pants
Me (beaming with pride): THEY WERE 2 DOLLARS
Just Googled my symptoms. Turns out I’m alive
If I lived in a small town where no one locked their doors I’d have an alligator moat
When the boss says you have five minutes for lunch.
When I’m feeling dangerous I like to play food poisoning roulette with the corner fast food sushi spot.
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
MAN: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
MAN: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
me when i see my girls butt
[Yelp review for Mario Bros Plumbing]
Ate my mushrooms, killed ALL my turtles, stole my coin collection. 1 star.
-Bowser K.
TINDER SHOULD SHOW YOU WHAT AGE RANGE UR MATCHES ARE OPEN TO WHAT IF I MATCH WITH A GROWN MAN WHO HAS HIS PREFERENCES DOWN TO 18 HOLY SHIT NO BUENO
seems fine
Just got another idiot, who now thinks he’s good at karate, to paint my fence and wax my cars. Lol.
*Mr. Miagi on Twitter
So, I bought the Cucumber Mint lip balm from Burt’s Bees. I kinda love it and hate it too. What? Oh, yeah I want to report a murder.
I thought I had an electric toothbrush, but it turns out I just have really unsteady hands.
My daughter (5) just said she can’t wait to be fat like me so it’s easier to float.
Ladies time to start dating the older dudes
They can get you in the grocery store earlier
I got myself into this mess, and I can get myself further into this mess.
Wanna know what’s cold? An airplane toilet seat at 30,000 feet.
Wanna know what’s colder? The stare of the person exiting the restroom after you.
I asked my doctor if I’m healthy enough for sex and he told me I’m not even sexy enough for health.