My neighbour is pissed. My recycle bin has missing for months so I’ve been using hers. My boyfriend is missing too. Same situation.
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I spent my time preparing a home cooked dinner and placed it in front of the kids who asked for something different, and laughed. Then I laughed. Then we laughed. Then I spoke in a voice not of this world & everyone ate their damn dinner.
A billion yahoo accounts got hacked, but the most surprising thing is that a billion people had yahoo accounts.
Zoom / MS Teams calls are the best places to see miracles happening.
Someone gets disconnected and everyone pronounces, ‘I think we lost her.’
Then they rejoin and say, ‘Hey, I’m back.’
{confused hamster}
*looks around cage*
“Ummmm where’d my wheel go??”[Jesus’ voice booms from the heavens]
I WAS TOLD TO TAKE IT
If I don’t stop stress-eating, I will be the elephant in the room.
MC HAMMER: U can’t touch this! … U can’t touch this!
MASSAGE THERAPIST: Please just let me do my job Mr. Hammer!
MC HAMMER: U can’t tou…
[marketing meeting]
me: what campaign are we working on today?
boss: spaghetti-o’s
me: uh oh
boss: say that again
[stepping out of time machine]
me: well i sneezed on a dinosaur but hopefully the butterfly effect wasn’t too severe
giant butterfly in lab coat: you mean the human effect
The club can’t even handle me right now. Like, the club’s just had a very emotionally draining day and the club’s been in a weird place.
tried to stop my dog from swallowing a hammer but it was tool ate
Me: I had a nightmare that someone broke into our house and tried to steal our kids
Husband: What’s the nightmare part?
If she licks all the frosting off her face with a single 360 degree sweep of the tongue, she might be Scooby Doo.
Anyone on Twitter, to me: no way are you 46!
Me: Mate. They’re called filters. My real face looks like it slept on a bad pillow.
AC changed midlife crisis to kidlife crisis & now 5 is leaving me for a younger dad that drives a sports car
Would you rather get paid $1,000,000 right now or pay somebody $10 a day to wake you up by punching you in the face?
I’ll take Option B. It keeps you motivated to go out and EARN. That’s the hustler mentality
hey sorry i just saw this text u sent last month even though my phone is in my hand all day long including when i sleep
Why is it spelled camouflage and not
I always fear that oneday I will enter my house and find a thief, knocked out unconscious by the things fallen on his head from some closet
If you can make a woman laugh, you can make her do anything – Marilyn Monroe
If you believe that try showing her your race car bed – Me.
Where the hell are all the scissors?!
– a parenting memoir
People may question my parenting methods, but my kids have made it to 20 and 22 without becoming serial killers. Or, if they have, they’re super good at it. Either way.
her: I don’t usually attend funerals because everyone cries so much
me: *points at coffin* well not everyone
6: *Watching kids yoga on YouTube*
Video: Ok, let’s do the Downward Facing Dog.
12: Ew! Uh…..um…..*keeps side eyeing me*
Me: *Making direct eye contact with 12* It’s a yoga pose. What did YOU think it was??
12: I…uh…..*runs away*
Friend from college: Hey! You remember that time…
Me: No
“You can’t come in here with a dog.”
“I’m blind. It’s my seeing eye dog.”
“No way. They don’t breed Chihuahua service dogs.”
“They gave me a Chihuahua?”
If you ever need me, call me any time, day or night, and I’ll return your call when I get around to it.
What’s your dream job? Mine’s either falling out of airplanes or giving presentations in my underwear.
Ah..makes sense now
Me asking everyone how they like their burger before I cook them all exactly the same
I wanted to be the last man on Earth just to find out if all those ladies were lying to me.