A couple approaches on the beach. He calls her “Allison.” I write, “Marry me, Allison,” in the sand and hide. And now we wait.
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One cake enters. No cake leaves.
Welcome to Yoga class. You’ll slowly ease into half splits, and then you’ll remain there for the rest of your life.
When someone ask me… How are you?… I answer back… You mean in bed?
my husband just committed the cardinal sin of asking my kid what she wants for Christmas so does anyone know where I can get a kids drum set at 6pm on Christmas Eve?
My wife doesn’t believe that auto correct changed “Yes dear” to “Hell no I’m not picking your mother up from the airport at 1am.”
Did you know, that just by pretending to pee in the shower, you could meet Home Depot’s Chief of Security.
I miss being able to study with complete focus for hours. Now I read one sentence and check my phone to see if penguins have legs or just feet
Jumping through hoops makes it sound too easy.
It should be something…more like…trudging through quicksand on 2 hours of sleep with a sinus infection.
My 6yo proudly made her own breakfast this morning: “a pile of ham”
Hate it when dudes say “leave something to the imagination!” like what do you think is under my clothes? a mystery prize? a pumpkin? Obama?
My family said if I don’t get a Facebook, they’d all get a Twitter
I sacrificed myself for all of twitter kind
I’m the Jesus of social media
You raise a generation of overthinkers by telling them to put on their thinking caps in second grade, but never to take them off.
3yo: Let’s have a discussion.
Me: OK, about what?
3yo: About why your hair looks like a rat slept in it. If I have to brush my hair, you do too.
girlfriend: are you really dipping THOSE in honey mustard?
me: yeah babe, the sauce isn’t just for the nuggets
girlfriend: it’s definitely not for the ice cubes in your soda
A lot of people don’t know this but if you’re turned into a vampire you don’t actually get a vampire name.
Some of you will just be Gary the Vampire
Today’s Forecast: Room Temperature
Tomorrow’s Forecast: Room Temperature
Long-Term Forecast: Room Temperature
If you could go back in time and show a medieval peasant one movie, what would it be?
I would pick Jim Carrey’s classic “The Mask” (1994)
Double negatives are never not confusing.
Her: you’re damaged goods
Me *thinking*: she thinks I’m good!
I have no idea where they learned to talk like that.
– the parent who taught them to talk like that
Me: What happened to all the bourbon?
Her: Oh, I put it in the chicken.
Me: Then pour me a glass of chicken.
life finds a way
Every time you downvote a reply, Twitter releases a lion emoji to eat that user.
Never let kids google names of Pokémon characters unsupervised, Squirtle in particular
ME: So it’s like a spank bank for your feelings?
THERAPIST: Most people just call it a journal, but sure
Get off my horse you stupid moon
doctor: you have a brain disorder that causes you to give the most ridiculous responses to serious news
wife: [crying]
me: that’s a spicy meatball
Autocorrect wants to capitalize bacon, out of respect.
You think you found a parking spot and then boom. Kia damn Soul.
A Slinky is a great way to teach young children that it’s fun to push things down the stairs.