I’m watching Peppa Pig right now and I’m wondering what Papa Pig’s side hustle is that he can afford to take his whole family the Paris on a cement inspector’s salary.
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“where am i bro?”
THIS IS SPARTA
“thanks. cute puppy bro”
THIS IS MUFFINS
Cop: why’d you do it?
Me: I haven’t been eating carbs and I just….I just snapped.
Cop: how long has it been since you cut out the carbs?
Me: I don’t know 30, maybe 40 minutes.
My girlfriend is mad at lettuce, how’s your day going?
Midwife [handing my baby]: make sure you support his head
Me: that’s a really great, floppy little head you’ve got there. Well done
there should be an opposite of valentine’s day where you post instagram photos of your enemy
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: Answering stupid questions.
This morning my neighbor put a note in my letterbox telling me off for honking my horn to say goodbye to my kids at 9am yesterday
This evening, I’m learning to play the drums
When I go out in public with my brother; people think he is my boyfriend, which is crazy because we broke up over 12 years ago.
george hails a cab driven by the grim reaper call it death cab for clooney.
The boys I nanny for just asked me where I work and I didnt have the heart to tell them their parents pay me to hang out with them so now they think I work at Chili’s
When life hands you women, make women laid.
5 yo- *being incredibly loud and obnoxious* I’m trying to bother that fly because maybe he will get annoyed and die.
Apparently I am the fly.
Jerry Lock
@jlock17
My grandson is just learning to talk and is going to be a train engineer for Halloween, so I’m working hard on teaching him to say “Kiss my caboose” before his mom picks him up.
Ladies,
Please stop answering our questions with “yes, of course”. All you’re doing is forcing us to nod our heads like we knew that.
Men
Any dogs trainers on this app? How do I train my dog to make margaritas?
Whoever can shoo the lizard out is the alpha in your house
A gentle reminder that all your panic buying will be going out of date soon. Enjoy your 36 egg omelette, you fat wankers.
My kid just made me google the various answer percentages to cheat a Harry Potter Sorting Hat quiz so she’d get Slytherin- which I guess qualifies her.
You look like the kinda person who eats the DO NOT EAT silica packets
FOUR RULES FOR DATING MY TEENAGE DAUGHTER:
1) get her home by 11 p.m.
2) so we can chill
3) i have mario party
4) be my friend
Mob Boss: did you make it look like an accident
Me: oh yeah I rear ended him before I shot him
I’m barely awake and already my toddler is crying because I won’t put him in the trash can
narrator: Phoebe outstretches her arms to appear bigger and ward off the door-to-door salesman
I’ll play duck-duck-goose and give all gooses. I don’t give a duck.
I have 2 friends that are trying to become models, and I’m just over here with 75 chicken mcnuggets in my cheeks like a squirrel.
I don’t want to do exercise, but I want to have done exercise.
Girl seeing my torn jeans
Where’d you get those?!
*remembers trying to pee on a hill & stumbling backwards through thorn bushes*
The Gap.
Isn’t it time to start naming hurricanes after IKEA furniture.