Her dating profile: If my dog doesn’t like you we can’t be together 😤😋
Lady, I’m not gonna hang out around a dog that doesn’t like me anyway
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Some people are uncouth but not me, I’m super couthy.
Birds do it/Bees do it/Even educated fleas do it/Let’s do it/Let’s make people super nervous anytime we’re in their personal space
[Swims out to Sea]
*sees shark*
OH NO!
*dolphins save me*
Thanks dolphins!
*dolphins ask for a tip
[I’m broke]
*they return me to the shark*
The worst thing about working from home is when you get on a customer call, the Amazon driver shows up, and you have a dog.
Edward Scissorhands: best 2 out of 3
Dwayne Johnson:
You know you’re getting old when you fall down and wonder what else you can do while you’re down there.
Me: I want to do unspeakable things to you.
Her: Tell me…
Me: Do you know what unspeakable means Lydia?
Why did they make Courtney Cox? Because Lisa Kudrow.
Parents: Don’t put glass near your eyes.
Inventor of eyeglasses: Okay, I tried it and I’m sorry, but you’re not gonna believe this…
[pokes your baby with a stick]
what’s it do?
[soldier dying in my arms]
Soldier: tell my wife-
Me: dude I’m already giving messages for 3 guys. Just wait until she dies & tell yourself
🤣🤣🤣
[before sex]
me: wait have you been tested
him: yea my cholesterol is a little high
‘So Timmy, how did you fall into that well?’
‘Oh. I never fell in, I was p-
*sees Lassie do cut throat motion*
-was jumping in.’
Fox News and Facebook did to our parents what they said video games would do to us.
Bring multiple sets of clothes to work, change every hour, and act like nothing’s different.
*switches the place cards so I’m sitting next to the mashed potatoes*
gen z: what’s the next generation gonna be called?
scientist: [nervously] ahaha you’re not the last one
gen z: what
scientist: what
Just tell me those 3 words I am dying to hear:
“The meeting’s cancelled.”
*Hello this is your pilot speaking, we still have about 9 hours in the air so let me entertain you folks reading you some of my tweets*
if you’re venting to someone and they say “idk I see both sides” you’re wrong
going on an overnight trip, better pack 7 shirts and 9 pairs of underwear for some reason
Ugh warm weather is here, time to
de-Sasquatch-ify my legs.
In France for work. Obviously I knew there would be lots of people with dogs. What I was not prepared for is that the dogs seem aware they are French
[awkwardly waving to another killer as we dump bodies in the same forest]
Baker: what should we call these delightful little pastries
Hannibal Lector: lady fingers
“Can I have a pound of onions please.”
“Sorry sir, it’s kilos these days.”
“oh, ok, can I have a pound of kilos please.”
I’m not antisocial. I’m anti-idiot.
All Tolkien’s tweets would be numbered and his shortest thread would be 65345 tweets