To be honest, given a few tries I think I could do brain surgery.
You Might Also Like
We can put a man on the moon but we can’t reference any other achievements?
You can tell a lot about a person by how many pet possums they have.
I accept CASH APOLOGIES ONLY. Thats why its called ACCOUNTABILITY…it goes into my ACCOUNT
omg thanks for ending the meeting 4 minutes early and “giving me some time back” — now I can finally pursue my passions
In case you’re wondering how sadistic toddlers are, my 3yo just bit into a hard boiled egg and was upset that there wasn’t a baby in it.
Nobody has ever been more surprised than a husband hearing about his wife’s plans for the second time.
aren’t all napkins supposed to be sanitary
Who would of thunk it folks, having a mask, rubber gloves, bleach and hand sanitizer is now acceptable to have in your vehicle.
Me (drunk): I was over served tonight
Friend: aren’t you home alone?
Me: OVER SERVED!
There is a dude in a fedora sitting next to you on the bus. Is he:
A. a ghost hunter
B. a virgin
C. a sword collector
D. all of the above
The human body is 98% water.
So I’m not fat,
Just well hydrated.
the end of twitter is taking forever did tolkien write this
My neighbor rolled her garbage bins out at 5:30am so in turn I entered her cell number on five car warranty websites
If someone wants to spend time with you, they’ll let you know. Get rid of those people
Me: *buys a bra*
The internet: you like BRAS? perhaps you like ONLY BRAS?? Do you need 10,000 BRAS? Do you need to see a new bra every .5 SECONDS?? HERE ARE ALL THE BRAS FOREVER!! YOU WILL NEVER SEE YOUR FAMILY’S POSTS AGAIN ONLY BRAS!
Oppenheimer at the A-Bomb test saying “Now, I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds” only me exiting the bathroom after eating Taco Bell.
Those who carry teensy cute purses shouldn’t throw stones at those who wear cargo shorts, because I can carry more stones.
is this a warning or an offer?
4-year-old: Tell me a scary story!
Me: One time little people popped out of your mom and they never stopped asking questions.
4: Why?
Me: You’re telling me someone broke into the house and the only thing that was stolen was the ice cream?
Husband: (without breaking eye contact) Yes.
Knights in white satin do not sound like they would be properly protected in a battle scenario. Yes, they would LOOK incredible but sadly they would die
BARISTA: Would you like to try our new special Peruvian blend? It’s sm-
ME: I’m just trying to stay awake and not punch anyone.
“Come reckon with me bro.”
-Force
If you like piña coladas / Getting caught in the rain / Drink this piña colada / It was caught in the rain
I wondered why my back was so sore until I saw my son jumping rope on a crack in the sidewalk.
Why are normal house sounds suddenly menacing when I’m alone?
Not alone: Hears creaking. It’s the wind.
Alone: Hears creaking. Yup, that’s an ax murderer.
The Pillsbury Doughboy is a goddam monster who sacrifices his own people so that he can get a finger poke.
[bedtime]
brain: hey remember that lost episode where the couple gets paralyzed DO THOSE SPIDERS LIVE NEAR US
me: SLEEP
brain: NO, GOOGLE IT
the highest compliment is someone asking for ur soup recipe and the highest ego swell is telling them there isn’t one
“Why don’t you have kids yet?” is a great question, ma’am, but I’m saving that conversation for the right total stranger at this gym.