[ad for umbrellas]
[cut to me trying to swat away raindrops, just getting totally wet]
“There must be a better way!”
Voiceover: UMBRELLAS
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If alcohol has calories and calories are energy then cocktails are energy drinks
Find everything OK, sir?
Everything except happiness!
You won’t find that at Wal-Mart!
We laughed & laughed until my credit card declined
I just used one of those plastic grocery dividers to let my wife know exactly where the middle of the bed is.
My GPS just told me to turn left into a cornfield and now I’m afraid it wants to murder me.
I hope my tombstone reads: Matrixed 9 out of 10 bullets.
Leaving a watermelon on someone’s doorstep in the middle of night is a pretty inexpensive way to occupy a portion of their mind forever.
Dear whoever chalks my final outline… A little off the belly would be much appreciated.
I slid my foot into my slipper in the dark this morning and there was a sock laying on it. Let’s just say I didn’t know it was a sock, and I’m happy to report I’ve set a new long jump world record.
doctor: the bad news is you’re dying
me: so there’s good news?
doctor: not for you, no
Cinco De Mayo
Cinco De Ketchup
Cinco De Mustard
Cinco De Siracha
Cinco De Ranch Dressing
My kid comes into our room every night to sleep and he usually brings a comfort toy with him. Tonight he chose to bring a harmonica. I am losing my mind.
DOG: [running in circles trying to catch his own tail] SON OF A
DOG’S PREGNANT WIFE: *looks up from knitting* Son of a what, David? Say it
“can you explain this gap in your employment history”
yah i was a toddler
dentist: have you been flossing?
me: yes 🙂
dentist: your mouth?
me: no 🙁
Don’t sell yourself short, in fact, don’t sell yourself at all. I’m pretty sure it’s illegal
A little discriminatory towards Jesus.
*6yo sneezes*
Me: God bless you. Would you like a kleenex?
6yo: Thank you. *gently lays kleenex over her lap and puts candy on it*
So, I’m officially off the market. Got a DM from a faceless Avi proposing marriage in broken English. We’re planning a June wedding!
I’m not the fun “Why not?” friend, I’m the friend who will tell you why not.
Griddle me this!!
– Batman villain ordering breakfast.
[turns to date during movie where bank robbers laugh & toss money around motel room] They won’t be laughing when it’s time to pick it all up
What if I color on you? What if I run a truck along your back? Steal your toy? Throw a ball? Spit food at you?
– My toddler, wooing the dog
“It started out with a Kiss, how did it end up like this?”- Me, after eating an entire bag of Hershey’s chocolate.
Remember when you could strangle people with your phone? Those were the days..
You know whats scarier than a bee chasing you because i dont
The only reason I’d want to go to heaven is to complain to the manager.
*Plot Twist*
Your dog loses his mind with excitement when you leave for work instead of when you get home.
All I’m saying is once your kid passes first grade you can stop spending $$$ on school pictures. Second grade and up always gets their pictures taken after recess.
Son: Smell me. Do you think I should shower?
Me: Yes.
Son: But you didn’t smell me.
Me: Yes.