My husband: Do you really need another pair of black pants?
My husband’s closet:
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Why are you screaming my name? I’m right here..
Having sex is weird.
[Family of lizards]
Mother: this our oldest son, he’s all grown up now and crushes buildings
Little lizard: ahem
Mother: *sighs* also, this our youngest he can get you 15% off car insurance
Glad the lady in front of me decided at the last second to stop at the yellow light as I prefer to eat my fries from the dashboard.
This older woman on this flight next to me just pulled out her knitting so I pulled out my knitting and started talking to her about it and she could not have been less interested. She’s now wearing earplugs. Not even headphones to listen to music. Earplugs.
I like to leave myself sexy love notes in my lunches and act all surprised and giddy like “WHAAAAAT—-NOT AGAIN!” and then proceed to read the note out loud as my co-workers look on in envy.
Is the expression “One man’s trash is another man’s treasure?” I want this best man’s speech to be perfect.
George Michael plays a genetic scientist whose work accidentally wipes out 80% of the human population in .. ‘Careless CRISPR’
If the first rule of fight club is not talking about fight club, how did fight club ever get off the ground?
Me: What happened to all the bourbon?
Her: Oh, I put it in the chicken.
Me: Then pour me a glass of chicken.
Do we still do thirst traps threads? I’m having a really good bellybutton day and it’s totally going to waste
How can you still believe in astrology after hearing Mewtwo say that the circumstances of your birth are irrelevant
WHY ISN’T THE MEDIA TALKING ABOUT THIS?!👇
*links to story on mainstream media site*
If God is a woman then how do you explain:
1) Spiders
2) Shoes you can’t afford
3) Periods
4) Men
I was going to have a proper career by 30. I’m 47.
The first bird to chew food for her kids was probably just trying to leave for work on time.
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but alcohol makes ugly people pretty.
wife: [walks in door] so whats the big news?
-the baby walked!
wife: OMG where is he?
-i sent him to the store for an ice cream cake
You could replace the zombies on Walking Dead with huggers and it’d be the same scary show.
Told my Mom I wanted to put googley eyes on random things in the grocery store and she told me to wear latex gloves so my fingerprints won’t end up at the scene of a crime so yes I am afraid of her.
I think playing Zelda gave me unrealistic expectations of how much of my neighbors’ pottery I can smash
You are all invited to my murder shed, I mean my shed
just went to my first ever LA kids birthday party and two of them were named Monserrat and Wolf
[Dinner at Arby’s]
Me: Remember our first date here? Feels like yesterday
Her: It was lunch today. Please take me home
Me: Ahh memories
Me: I wish my toilet was sentient
Genie: hey fun fact if you wish for a therapist I won’t count it as one of the three
If you drop a peanut in a shag rug forget it, let it go.
me: *nervously* will he feel anything while you’re operating?
car mechanic: no
I feel confident that the person who created banana Laffy Taffy had never even seen a banana.
ME: *striking a pose at the end of the runway*
PILOT (over intercom): we’ll take off as soon as this fuckin moron gets out of the way
[petting friend’s new guidedog]
so how did you get here?
“he brought me”
wow
[later in bed w/ wife]
did you know dave’s dog can drive a car?
I love how when you walk through a spider web, you all of the sudden know Kung Fu.