Welcome to your 40s. You now have one random eyebrow hair that grows faster than the rest
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Wife: Is he called Batman because he flies at night?
Me: Kinda. But mainly a traumatic childhood bat thing
Wife: So Spiderman had a traumatic spider thing?
Me: No. Bitten by a radioactive spider
Wife: So is Antman childhood trauma or radioactive bite?
Me: No
I wonder if I’ve seen enough movies to be able to emergency land an airplane
Thomas Jefferson’s dad’s name was Thomas Jefferdad. Really makes you think
grateful there’s a whole airline for virgins . i do NOT want them on my flight
Come on guys, lemme back in the gang! I’m real good at crimes!
“No”
Why?
“YOU GOT ARRESTED BY A POLICE HORSE CARL HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE”
Finally watched Pulp Fiction with my kid, but fast forwarded thru the parts she’s not ready for… best 27 seconds we’ve spent together recently.
I just want to be rich enough to stop giving people toilet paper for Christmas
The new Call of Duty physics got us distracted… 😅
*waking up to dog kisses*
Good morning…such a good boy…yes I love you too…you raided the garbage again didn’t you…
Good News: You mean the world to me.
Bad News: The world is pretty lousy right now.
My office got a shredder, so now I have to buy a turtle costume to fight it on Monday. Work is hard.
Every year tigers kill 150 people: it’s like they’re not even trying; there are billions of us
I threw a boomerang yesterday and it didn’t come back. How long do you reckon before it’s safe to turn around?
The ankle monitor stays on during sex, but only because it has to.
My greatest magic trick is making stuff magically appear before me in the exact location my husband said he couldn’t find it.
[sees old friend after 4 years]
“God, you were so fat back in school.”
“Yeah, well I lost a lot of it last year.”
“No you didn’t.”
If I ever disappear and my family notices that my house is clean, they will know for sure I was murdered and someone had to clean up the crime scene.
“I’m so tired of being poor and unemployed,” says the TV show character who wears a new designer outfit in every scene
Spice up your confession by changing ‘Father’ to ‘Daddy’
*knocks on door*
You’re too fat.
“Wha–”
You’re way too dumb.
“Wait–who..”
Hi, I’m Roy. I sell insecurity systems. You’re too poor for one.
Can we all just agree that fries are really just nude poutine?
I don’t know who this is, but he’s made my day.
Librarian: can I check you out?
Me: sure [spins around]
Librarian: I meant your book
Me: oh yea, that makes way more sense
9yr old poured milk on the cat. When I asked why he said “He’s thirsty and likes to lick himself.” I couldn’t argue with that.
You bring an airhorn *one time* and suddenly you’re banned from bar trivia
My boss has a rather shrill phone voice. I once spent 20m talking to him, before realizing it was actually someone trying to send us a fax.
I mean, COME ON! It’s not like I MEANT to serve sangria instead of kool aid to my Sunday School class but at least those animal crackers were straight up legit!
I knew a guy used to trophy hunt corn. Had a necklace of ears.
*Dino-Jesus preaching to the dinosaurs*
“Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.”
*Asteroid crushes Earth*
“Dammit Dad.”
excusing myself in the middle of a date to go to the bathroom and baby-wipe down my whole body. to keep it weird.