[inventor of the piano]
Tables aren’t noisy enough.
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Tattoos are a nice way to forever honor loved ones, like family members who have passed away, or skulls with bat wings that have passed away
You can lead a horse to waterbed, but you can’t make it snuggle.
I find it very upsetting that dragon fruit has such a cool name, looks so exotic, and then tastes like a diabolical farmer crossed a kiwi with a potato.
If you have to ask me if I want more cheese I’m just gonna assume you were dropped on your head as an adult.
There are usually two types of merchants.
Lost my job naming hurricanes after 3 ex-girlfriends called & complained. In hindsight, including their last names may have been a bad idea.
INTERVIEWER: what’s your greatest strength?
ME: I’m good at untying knots
INTERVIEWER: oh thank god can u get these running shoes off of me?
Pro tip:
If you bring her flowers to apologize, don’t bring them in a vase.
She might still be pissed. No sense in arming her.
“Are you insane? Did you escape from a mental institution?” he flirted.
You should just be thankful for all the things I don’t say.
not now, i’m busy doing tax crimes on my abacus
A girl at the gym waved at me so I waved back. as it turned out she wasn’t waving at me
so now I’m gonna incorporate the hand wave into my exercising routine until she leaves
I just spent 15 minutes searching for my phone in my room, using my phone as a flashlight…
It’s snowing again but luckily it’s the kind of snow you see in paintings about Valley Forge and not the kind you see in movies about Siberia
Why jurors are not allowed to have cellphones in the courthouse:
Me, taking a selfie in the jury box: feeling cute, might convict someone later.
breaking news! ufo caught on tape!!!!!
70% of the Earth’s surface is water. The other 30% is covered in advertisements for The Blacklist.
In France for work. Obviously I knew there would be lots of people with dogs. What I was not prepared for is that the dogs seem aware they are French
CURRENT MOOD: righteously angry, but there’s a cat on my lap
My 10 y/o daughter informed me that “everyone knows” you can’t wear your picture day outfit again the rest of the year, like it’s some kind of 5th grade wedding dress.
There’s no suspense in Young Sheldon. You know he’s not going to die
I’m not saying that asking your kids to clean will always make things worse, but I asked my 4yo to clean his muddy shoes and found him standing naked in a full bathtub polishing them with his toothbrush
Her: 😉 Is that a potato in your pocke…
Me: *pulls a steaming hot fully loaded potato from my pocket*
*extreme announcer voice* Next up on Jesus The Real Truth: Was it crucifact or crucifiction
I opened this great self-care app.
It’s called “the fridge.”
I always wanted to die like a king.
According to the increase in my cheese intake it looks like that king will be Elvis Presley.
I like to switch browsers as often as possible. They all prompt to make them the default browser. It feels nice to be fought over.
Me: *disappears for a few weeks*
Friends: *No concern*
Me: *Posts inspirational quote on FB*
Friends: Dude, you okay? You need to talk?
What’s the smallest amount of money you would reach into a toilet to get? Mine is a skittle.
“Baby, you know I’m drunk.”
Cop: “I need you step out of the vehicle.”