The Purge: Valentine’s Day
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Doctor: Was it all fun and games?
Me [missing an eye]: Yah, up to a point
“We can argue all day about the rights and wrongs, Barbara, but it won’t change the fact that we’re out of toilet paper”
Why do paintings of people centuries ago never show pimples? Ur telling me these people who drank shit water and took baths 2x a decade had clear skin?
Walking up to any crime scene & whispering within the crowd, “It’s started again, hasn’t it?” then leaving
Just won a sausage biscuit at this basketball game. Never give up on your dreams.
Doctor: I want you to take it easy on your joints from now on.
Me: ok
(later at home)
Me, talking to my blunt: I’m sorry I called you fat.
“You got a friend in me” – your friend’s girlfriend
Any beach is a nude beach if you drink enough alcohol
Me: Nice biker jacket. You ride?
Him: No
Me: So you’re a liar?
Him:
Me:
Him: Nice yoga pants
Me: That jacket looks so awesome on you!
You say pervert with a telescope. I say biological astronomer.
extremely rude of the target self-checkout camera to show me exactly what i look like
My wife put toilet paper on automatic purchase and delivery from Amazon so we never run out.
Challenge accepted!
I’m not smiling because I like you, I’m smiling because I’m imagining a piano landing on your head.
*Rock “the Dwayne” Johnson
What a beautiful crisp spring day. The birds are singing, the sun is shining and I’m seething with anger as I think about what someone said to me 25 years ago.
Dating: OMG, his fingers just brushed against mine and I instantly have butterflies in my stomach.
Married: I swear, if even your stupid finger crosses onto my side of the bed at any point tonight, I’m going to break it.
Didn’t sleep much but I got a few solid hours of worrying done.
If your job is so “essential” that you can’t get off for a killer global pandemic, you deserve $15 an hour and a union.
How software testing works
Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And I’m terrible with decisions, so I went home.
[at the mall]
LITTLE KID: i’m lost
ME: you’re at the mall
GOOD COP: Three robberies in the same neighborhood …do you know what I’m thinking?
PSYCHIC COP: Yes
GOOD COP: Oh right
ME: long time no see! I heard you’re a doctor
FRIEND: I am. what do you do now?
ME: [glances down at open twitter app] I’m a writer
I had rando stomach pain and went “ooh,” and patted my tummy, but I guess this looked sus
My wife gave me a funny look, so I panicked and said “the baby kicked”
At my funeral, I’d like my family, my closest friends, and a high-pitched squeal no one can locate the source of
Son: dad there’s a spider in my room!
Me: he’s more afraid of you than you are of him
Son: can you get rid of him
Me: no because I’m like ten times more afraid of him than he is of you
If you start a sentence with “I seen”, i’m just going to go ahead and assume the next part will not be “the inside of a book”
if coconuts give us coconut milk AND coconut water then why do we only have cow milk. where is the cow water
Welcome to your 50s where the weekend means it’s time to try a new vodka and a new chainsaw at the same time.
Technically, it’s not gluttony if you refer to it as an “Emotional Support Snack”.