da Vinci would have 35 million followers and be constantly referred to as an influencer
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This house is Not going to clean itself. Apparently, I’m not either.
🤭😂
And on the 8th day, God almost created Lionel Richie but was all like “Naw, I’ll just hold off a few thousand years then one day HELLO!”
Not sure of the logistics yet on how to include this in my last will & testament, but I’d like to stage a “coffin flop” for my funeral
Ten seconds into packing a box…aaaand I’ve lost the end of the tape
God: Oh heck, I dropped my newest spider in the ocean
Octopus: I’m cool with this, actually
I drink because it’s difficult to eat alcohol.
Been collecting single highway shoes for years but not professionally.
Everyone is drunk except me.
– a horror story
*Speed Dating*
Him: Do you have any hobbies?
Me: *tying my hair in a big knot under my chin so I look like I have a beard*
“TAAA-DAAA!”
what my roast potatoes see when they’re in the oven
*Zuckerberg sits in front of congress*
“Mr Zuckerberg, we have several very serious questions and we demand answers”
“I have printed out all of your Internet histories”
“This meeting is over”
[Job Interview]
Boss: It says you are a great problem solver
Me: Yes
B: Can you give me an example?
Me: I’m hired
B: *whispers* holy shit
Stuck in traffic? We have the solution for you… Call customer service so all your vulgarities aren’t wasted.
Me: [on a scale] What? How did I gain weight?
Friend: Didn’t you eat Taco Bell for each meal everyday last week?
Me: Uh, yeah, as a *joke*
“How would you like your eggs?”
“Whipped up and inside a chocolate cake please.”
*first date*
Me: *don’t be weird don’t be weird don’t be weird*
“OHMYGOD I have an app that can show us what our kids will look like.”
Instead of the little blue bird Twitter should have used a rooster for it’s emblem.
What could represent this place better than a creature that starts screaming every time a new day begins?
Hey, baby, you wanna come back to my place, and become a famous murder victim?
Took my 6 y/o daughter to a college football game and my dream of turning her into a fan quickly faded when she asked to go home in the first quarter because “we just watched this game on TV last week.”
DOG 911: what’s your emergency?
DOG: *whispering* they put me in a stroller
DOG 911: *covers phone* WE’VE GOT A CODE SLIGHTLY DARKER GREY
Dear Cool People, they didn’t name a candy after you, did they? Love, Nerds.
Today I took a sip from my new water bottle that I’ve been drinking out of for a week and it tasted like… chunky so I looked inside and there was a pretty hefty size instructional manual sitting at the bottom that I guess came with the bottle and that I’ve been slowly ingesting
Biden: I painted “Michelle Obama 2020” on your bedroom ceiling
Obama: 😳
Biden: Glow in the dark paint
Bringing back the word zoinks but only for when someone shows me their baby.
Rival dad invited us over for dinner and I offered to sharpen his kitchen knives right in front of his wife and kids.
WAITER: room for dessert?
ME: no thanks, we’ll just eat it right here
A life lesson we could all learn from my doggie:
Do NOT pee too close to the cactus.
My wife went on a lot of roller coasters when she was pregnant with our daughter Katelyn, and you can tell 🙁
termite twitter scares me