transition lenses except they work when old ppl ask you why you haven’t had babies yet.
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I, too, enjoy McDonald’s sausage biscuits. We will dialogue further, you and I.
Carl: Gonna be a hot one today.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: Male ostriches can roar like lions.
Me: Fair enough, Carl.
[getting kidnapped]
me: you deserve better
Cashier at McDonalds said “See you later” a little too smugly at breakfast. I did not appreciate her condescension and told her so at lunch.
People who can’t tell the difference between whole numbers and decimals are missing the point.
I have an important question about the movie CATS which will ultimately determine whether or not I see it:
At any point in the film does one of the CATS cats sit in a cardboard box that is a little too small for them
Take it easy, Officer. You act like you’ve never seen a woman with a car full of penguins before.
Remember when the internet didn’t exist and we kept all this stupidness in our heads?
Good times.
peter parker, bitten by radio-active spider: *donates $65 to NPR*
I knew my 5yo was growing up too fast when he tried to take his shoes off and said “I don’t like bending down anymore”
ME: [opening door and tossing in an apple]
DOCTOR: [diving on it] GRENADE!
I made it halfway to Mexico before I realized that those sirens were just coming from the song on my radio.
LOST DOG: 4 year old border collie. Still living at home but doesn’t know what to do with his life.
God: *closes a door*
Kids: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED
True freaking story!
I wonder why nobody told Forrest Gump’s mom that all you have to do is flip over the box of chocolates and it tells you what’s inside.
2 years later
Me: [drinks SlimFast]
Me: [takes off shirt]
Me: [drinks SlimFaster]
[frantically pressing buttons on spaceship control panel] WHICH ONE IS FOR POPCORN
Me in my 20s: SEVEN MORE SHOTS AND THEN TACO BELL!
Me in my 40s: I have moderate hip pain & I believe I may have swallowed some hair
A man just shouted at me until I answered his questionnaire on christianity. He scared the b) Jesus out of me.
Oh no, I accidentally drove over my neighbor’s creepy garden gnome 12 times.
If you’d like to be left alone just carry a doll everywhere you go.
I don’t know much about women but they love containers that hold smaller containers.
Her: I don’t see color
Me: They make glasses for that now
the ideal man is always thinking of several cool things at once (throwing a football really far, a truck with big wheels, giving a lot of high fives)
Libraries were a good start, but we really need to keep working on the number of places where people shouldn’t be allowed to talk.
In summer, I drive with hands at 11 and 1 so the air conditioner vents point directly at my armpits.
I recently took a pole
And found that 100% of the people in the tent were angry when it collapsed
Although I’ve been disappointed by some of the things cartoons promised yet failed to deliver, I must say I am relieved that my eyes don’t badoing out of my head whenever I see a fine lady.