Sorry I thought you wanted me to divorce my husband and run away with you when you picked some fuzz off my shirt sleeve.
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[Hoth Rebel Base]
Leia: How’s Skywalker?
Han: He was nearly frozen when I found him.
Leia: And, now?
Han: Lukewarm.
Leia: …
Han: Hehehe
The guy with the worst grades should get to give a graduation speech too. Let me hear both sides
Sephora employee: “you have 70000 points, you can choose from any of these things”
Learn cursive, they said. You’ll need it your whole life, they said.
The best way to see if someone is telling the truth is to tie them to a chair and start up the ol chainsaw.
Too many toilets have automatically flushed underneath me for me not to have reservations about self-driving cars
Apparently Zoom sleepovers are a thing and my 11yo is “going” to one tonight.
Now instead of one household taking one for the team and listening 6 preteen girls all night.
6 households have to listen to 6 preteen girls all night.
Thanks 2020!!!
*seductively eats two tums*
i like how at the end of old movies it says ‘the end’ so you arent horrorstruck by the thought of a fictional universe persisting unobserved
You (a simpleton): I hate the Hamburglar, he steals all the burgers
Me (went to business school): McDonald’s uses the myth of the Hamburglar to create an illusion of scarcity and increase the perceived value of its products
“C’mon man, just as far as Cincinnati. I got a cousin there.”
Guys, I need help with a good recipe that will make my guests never come visit again.
gf: ooh a blindfold, kinky
me: *seductively* ill go get the piñata
My hair is so strong you can floss your teeth with it
– me flirting
Me: Wine isn’t on the food pyramid.
My wife: It’s the moat around it.
Here’s my plan. I infiltrate a therapist networking group on Facebook. I ask questions about “my client” to gather their advice. There is no client. It’s me in a cheap wig. I get free therapy from 468 professionals. I fix myself. Then I start a podcast.
My car is saying it needs another oil change even though I literally got one in 2020. This is how the auto industry gets you.
KID: I don’t need a coat
ME: baby, it’s cold outside
KID: I don’t think it’s cold
ME: it really is cold outside
KID: I will not be cold
ME: I promise it’s cold outside
[twenty more minutes of arguing]
ME: fine let’s just go
KID: daddy it’s cold outside
My ex is having a baby. Ummmm obsessed with me much? I used to be a baby…
Options For My Knees Being Shaved:
1. Perfectly shaved smooth with at least one serious cut per knee.
2. No cuts but patches of hair left.
3. Sasquatch.
Good man! 👦🏻😡💪👍
The mood took a dark turn when I intercepted the wedding bouquet and ran it back for a touchdown.
If my ex had an autobiography it would be called “Mein Cramps”
What, did you NOT SEE that one coming?
I am open to suggestions, comments, or glowing praise followed by many exclamation points.
My kids are young, so when they listen to old school music they think its new. They are currently listening to a hot new band called Queen.
Stop screaming at me like you’re the only one who realizes our kitchen is on fire. The arrogance.
Apparently, Indian banks will give you a loan only if you prove that you don’t need it.
I cleverly paired my housekeeping work with my cardio, and now I can’t get myself to do either.