Vogue- strike a pose
Sleep- strike a doze
Leave- strike a goes
Firefight- strike a hose
Win The Bachelor- strike a final rose
Pitch in MLB- strike the pros
Blizzard- strike a froze
Assault- strike a nose
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*curtsying before the royal duck court*
M’allard!
10 just said the 6 words every parent dreads hearing:
‘I need to practice my recorder’
Look, don’t call it a salad “bar” if you’re going to tell me I can’t do ranch dressing shots.
In Good Will Hunting, Ben Affleck goes to Matt Damon’s house every day but secretly hopes he isn’t there. I have a similar thing with one of my friends. Whenever I go to his house, I secretly hope Matt Damon isn’t there.
Ratatouille (2007) – A terrible chef knowingly allows a rat infestation in his employer’s kitchen to distract from his gross incompetence.
“I got in a fight at Michaels over glitter glue once, so you should probably step aside.”
-Me, to a guy buying the last of my favorite wine
Me: [in kitchen] today we’re going to replace my wife’s coffee with a live badger, let’s see if she notices
Wife: [from other room] hey you better not be in there replacing my coffee with a live badger
Not to brag, but I can spend hours coming up with reasons not to do something that takes 5 minutes.
The fun thing about Airbnb’s is that you get to clean someone else’s house on your vacation
Me: *drops mic*
Mic’s parents: OUR BABY!
Me: Define Illegal
Cop: You’re drunk, riding a horse, shooting a gun and yelling ‘For Narnia’
Me: I want my lawyer.
pet owner’s tip: glue the very tip of your cat’s tail to the center of their back to make a convenient cat-carrying handle.
Why learn a second language, when you don’t have anything interesting to say in your first one?
We’ve got to stop looking at legumes and thinking “I could milk that”
I like long walks along the beach until the drugs wear off & I realize I’m actually crawling through the sand at the local construction site
Obi-wan: You don’t have a shot with Padmé.
Anakin: Don’t underestimate my charm.
*stares at her creepily for the rest of the movie*
[detention facility]
Jeff: I’m in for littering what are YOU in for?
Jeoff: loitering
Marriage tip: If your wife says “I didn’t do it” what she means is “You did it”. Accept it and don’t worry that you don’t remember doing it.
Been on hold so long I can’t remember who I called. I have a credit card out and my pants off but that doesn’t really narrow it down much.
My doctor wasn’t amused when he asked how much I weighed and I said
One hundred and fat
If by living dangerously you mean eating stuff that upsets my tummy; then yes, I live dangerously
showing a photo of a healthy guy to my doctor like i’d show the barber a picture of a haircut
I just ate a perfectly ripe avocado, kinda thought my super power would be more exciting.
Me: I really need to stop putting things off to the last minute
Bomb squad: actually, 5 seconds
WHY WON’T THOSE FOOTBALL PLAYERS LISTEN TO THE EXCELLENT ADVICE MY HUSBAND IS SCREAMING AT THEM?
if you can’t handle me at my worst is there another preferably more affordable therapist you can refer me to
I’m gonna call my mom 26 times today to tell her about all the nothing that I’m doing, just to even the score.
25 more pounds to lose and I’ll be ready to be seen at my gym.
You’ll sleep when you’re dead?…that’s adorable. Well, I’ll lose weight when I’m dead, so pass the doughnuts.
I read all men’s tweets in the voice of Homer Simpson. Especially the sex tweets.