Me: What the hell do you want?
Him: Um, YOU called ME.
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[A pair of crocs sitting on a riverbank]
Why do you think people hate us so much?
“Idk. I blame the idiots who wear us with socks.”
i eat one snickers a day to build up immunity in case someone tried to kill me with snickers
I can’t be the only one worried about where spiders go in winter.
Some of y’all expect more from a retail employee than of your elected officials
a cute boy moved in next door and his bedroom window is across from mine, I hope this doesn’t turn into a coming of age film.
exec: any ideas for new kids shows
writer: a mouse tries to murder a cat with a toaster
exec: nice. what else?
writer: a coyote tries to murder a roadrunner with dynamite
exec: love it. any more?
writer: a dude with a speech impediment tries to murder a rabbit with a shotgun
When someone says they were shook, I presume they meant as a baby.
dad: i’ve got something special for you.
kid me: wow what is it?
dad: a $2 bill. they don’t make them anymore and the artwork is really-
kid me: oh boy i’m gonna buy two cokes.
My 7 year old has been asking a lot of questions this Christmas season and I’m worried that it might be the last year he believes that Bitcoin is real.
[at the vets]
He’s really bad. He can’t fly.
“He’s a cat though.”
[very sarcastically] oh I’m sorry is this the vets or the excuses clinic?
Him: How was your day?
Me: (watching a movie about a shark trapped in a grocery store) Very busy.
Everybody makes mistakes their first camping trip. For starters, going camping.
Me: *tries to sneak a pic of someone but forgets flash is on
Did you just take my picture?
Me: *starts to make thunder noises
My biggest skydiving fear is that the person strapped to my back will try to talk to me
Most problems can be traced back to the day you were forced to watch your teacher put a condom on an unsuspecting banana
person walking by my house:
my dog: I’ve killed people for less
5: can i play the wii?
me: does mommy usually let u guys this early in the morning?
5:
me:
5: but she’s still sleeping!!
me: i don’t want to die today.
If you watch the Social Network backwards, it’s about a man gaining more friends and a girlfriend as he spends less time on Facebook.
STEP 1: Kids decorate gingerbread house.
STEP 2: Kids leave gingerbread house unattended.
STEP 3: Enter dog.
We can agree that making someone swear in for a job is stupid right? Like, “okay, you’re hired! But first you gotta pinky promise in front of EVERYONE that you’re not gonna suck at this”
bert: i want a divorce
wife: are u…
bert: don’t
wife: *holding in laughter* are u sherbert?
why do mums always tell u stuff then say “don’t go posting anything on facebook” hun i haven’t posted anything since 2002 i highly doubt my comeback post is gonna be surrounding Sandra’s divorce
ME: i’m having a lovely time tonight
my date: why do u keep yelling “ME” before every sentence
I don’t know much about physics, but I do know that cookout smoke will blow in whatever direction people are sitting.
Become a parent, so you can be accused of “using up all the internet” when Fortnite glitches for a millisecond.
my lower back watching me try to live my life
Just blew pot smoke on the huge spider hiding in my shower. I figure if I do this a few more times, he’ll be too stoned to attack me.
To be fair, “old-fashioned” doesn’t necessarily mean racist; it could also mean sexist.
In your 20s you hope you don’t fall for the wrong person, in your 40s you hope you don’t fall in the driveway when nobody’s home.
My credit card company sent me a final notice bill. Good, I was tired of hearing from them