Him: do you have a pen?
Me: yes. (walks away)
You Might Also Like
I love October because it signals the change from eating tacos outside season to eating tacos inside season.
advice: describing someone’s cupcakes as being “better than sex” is only a compliment if you aren’t sleeping with them
Don’t do anything rash
– inept doctor trying to keep a skin eruption from spreading
MOM: Any plans tonight?
ME: Me and the guys heading out to find us some ladees *shoots finger guns
HER: So Pokemon Go with Gary?
M: Yessss
Everybody needs a special place they can escape to.
*drives to liquor store
If you love something set it free then immediately tackle it by the legs.
[inventing jazz]
a
me: what if music w
s
l i
k e
t
h
i s
[beach]
ME: Sure is beautiful here
HORSE: Yup
ME: Lovely sunset too
HORSE: Uh huh
ME: So…You want a drink?
HORSE: Nice try
This is the best one I’ve seen
My german shepard doesn’t like dog food, so we have that in common.
marriage counselor: you can’t run away from your problems
me: [leans forward, whispering] what if she gave me a head start
wife: I can hear u
*fart noise*
ME: it was your dog. I swear!
GIRL: my dog died last year you liar
GHOST DOG: theres no way she’s gonna sleep with you now lmao
An email so annoying, you wanna return the computer to the store.
*walks outside to see an abandoned post-apocalyptic desert, humanity wiped out, no one to be seen*
“Ugh the ONE day my hair looks perfect”
First date:
*don’t let her know you’re a tyranosaurus, don’t let her know yo..*
Her: So, what do you do for a liv-
*bites her in half*
Me: I would like to eat a boiled mermaid
Waiter: sir I don’t think you underst-
Me: the bottom half
Waiter: very good, sir
Wife, lecturing son: You can’t just “wing it” your entire life
Me, later to my son when we’re alone: You actually can just wing it, you just can’t tell people that’s what you’re doing
I’m stunned that some of you watch the news, like on purpose.
Phew. After THAT lunch I won’t need afternoon tea haha just kidding pass me that lasagna.
Promises so empty, you thought it was your bank account
Then: I will never lie to my children
Now: Your teacher just called and said that if you let me lay on the couch all day then you get 100% in class.
Me: Ok, just need a shovel and some toilet paper.
Them: Going camping?
Me: Nope
my brother: grandma’s funeral is going to be closed casket
me: oh no
my brother: are you sad you won’t be able to see her one last time
me: no, it’s because this was going to be my only chance to pry her blueberry pie recipe from her cold, dead hands
When my boss asked me who is the stupid one, me or him?
I told him everyone knows he doesn’t hire stupid people……
A dog that talks pfft, I’ll be impressed when I see one picks up his own poop.
Hey Shakira, I get it. With all of these nachos and tequila, my hips don’t lie either.
I’ll smash someone’s car window on a hot day if I see they’ve left a chocolate bar melting inside.
This might be me.
Follow me for more tips.
reasons white people riot:
1. their sports team wins
2. their sports team loses
3. no more tickle me elmos
4. tea
5. pumpkins
Is the Paleo diet the one where you only eat dinosaurs?