Good news! I got the new restraining order today. So if anyone needs a stalker I’m available. I have mad stalking skills plus references.
You Might Also Like
You think after 11 years of marriage you really know your spouse, and then last night I found out mine uses his notes app by keeping EVERYTHING – grocery lists, reminders, birthday present ideas – in ONE LONG NOTE
My childhood has prepared me for a lot more bear-related pic-a-nic-basket thefts than I’m currently experiencing.
Made something I’m not proud of
If you live in an apartment in NYC you’re already part of the tiny house movement. You’re just in denial and paying too much.
Alexa play Metallica…
Alexa play Metallica…
Alexa play Metallica…
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: Trying to get this piece of shit to play some music
Wife: Well 1st off, that’s my coffee thermos you moron…
There’s an old sheet of paper in the Batcave with “Carrier pigeons” “Carrier bats (??)” “Morse code” crossed out, and “Searchlight” circled.
Women hate it when you call them ma’am or sleep with their friends.
My 3yo is mad at me because her birthday isn’t the same as her older sister’s…
Send help!
Finally finished Oppenheimer. He liked zoning out, staring open-mouthed while thinking about floating dots. We all do, but I guess it’s what you do with it
The average person swallows 3 cats on their drive home from work.
Dear woman I saw jog down a busy street, run into a liquor store, buy two bottles of wine, and then jog back home,
Come back to me.
The new Samsung phone shares every picture you take with all your friends as soon as you take it.
Good idea. What could possibly go wrong?
Honest job application:
On the whole I’ll do a perfectly adequate job. I’m quiet but not in an odd way. I won’t cause any fuss. Good at hoping people are well in emails (won’t use too many exclamation marks). Generally a good egg.
The only time your man will surprise you is when you specifically tell him what you want.
*being mugged*
me: “im warning you, i know karate”
mugger made out of thin, stationary blocks of wood: “oh shit”
Interviewer: If you get this job what will you bring to the team?
Me: cake…I’ll bring cake
When a new bird species visits your bird feeder
I don’t get why you have to call my wife *librarian ignores me while on phone* “your husband is here trying to check out a book about ramps”
when I’m sound asleep Sunday morning and someone rings the doorbell
a whale can launch it’s entire body out of the ocean and you have trouble getting out of bed in the morning
Them: you’re broke, you have to move apartments, you work a shitty job, and you’re balding.
Me: Thats cool. Everything will work out in the end.
Them: your child is skipping a nap today.
Me: MY LIFE IS RUINED!
Me to my worm gf: cmon babe we’re going fishing
You know that chick who said, “Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels?”…
Yeah, well I ate her.
If you poop your pants while fishing, is it still called a boating accident? And can you claim it against insurance?
[White Castle]
YOU (a slob): 6 hamburgers, please.
ME (a health nut): 5 hamburgers, please.
According to the 25th Amendment, if the President is incapacitated, the Vice President becomes the executive producer of “The Apprentice.”
me: I think I’d be a good addition to the debate team
captain: no you wouldn’t
me: ok
I wanna write a tweet that is so good that I can retire and just live off the retweets for the rest of my life.
there is no such thing as a “cool” 24 year old. there are 24 year olds who act like weird teenagers and 24 year olds who like, work at the bank. that’s it, there is no in between.
Why is called an “extraction” and not an “amputeeth”?