girl: i love philosophy
me: who is ur favorite philosopher
girl: Hume
me: sorry, whom is ur favorite philosopher
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Pro-Tip: Always remember where you buried the bodies.
if you think about it Medusa had a lot of solid friends
People always tell me to act my age so I bought expensive cheese.
The 7-yr old has the flu so I’m letting her lick the envelopes of all my credit card bills.
Authors, for the love of all things, let your protagonists sleep sometimes.
I hate when my boyfriend’s snoring wakes me up and then I realize it was my snoring and I don’t have a boyfriend and I’m going to die alone.
*makes eye contact with beautiful woman across fancy restaurant*
Waiter, send that woman a glass of your finest Sprite.
*at casino*
When he hands you $100 and asks you to go get chips, do not ask him Doritos or Lays. Get both.
It will leave him speechless.
If the grocery store didn’t want me to climb shelves then they wouldn’t put things so up so high.
Why did they call them army chefs and not the mealitary?
Watching Home Alone in 1990: oh poor Kevin, all alone with no family to celebrate the holidays
Watching Home Alone in 2018: that lucky little punk
Marie Kondo: Does this item spark joy?
Daughter: YES!
Marie Kondo: Oookay… um, this paper cup from 3 weeks ago?
Daughter: Yes! It’s my favorite!
Marie Kondo: *holding up a broken crayon* Does this item spark joy?
Daughter: Yes!
Marie Kondo: *in tears* This popped balloon?
-Sir we found hot glue in her ears nose and mouth, seems she suffocated.
-Well whoever did this must be pretty….crafty.
-Go to hell sir.
If you pregnant, dont swallow bubblegum….. it stick to ya baby hair….
GIRL: Dad, I want you to meet my boyfriend
DAD: Your bf is a bald eagle?
BALD EAGLE: *adjusting toupee* I’m just a regular eagle actually
My 9-year-old said I looked tired today and apparently becoming my mother has skipped a generation.
Recruiter (calling me at work): Are you able to talk?
Me: Since the age of two.
A haunted house but for awkward interactions. Someone pops out at you and you’re like “nice to meet you” and they’re like “haha actually we’ve already met”
The Rainforest Cafe isn’t realistic enough for me. Part of the restaurant should burn down by the time you finish your meal.
if ever go missing please only put pictures of me on the news where i look skinny and hot even if that means they won’t find me
I’m just playing devils avocado here
Q: My daughter will not eat fish, what can I replace it with?
A: A cat. Cats love fish.
I’m going to be embalmed the old-fashioned way.
Bourbon.
[gets on Facebook]
[types “you pushed me away but expected me to stay”]
[everyone nods, this is considered extremely good shit on there]
Having someone cancel plans on you is like watching trash take itself out.
It was probably the machine that kept the world from turning to shit.
*seductively winces due to lower back pain
Sorry I’m late, I was untangling my AirPods.
“I can’t believe I own a Tesla!” I’m so sorry, is there anything I can do to help?