Eels, the slap bracelets of the sea.
You Might Also Like
“I’m a night owl”
all owls are night owls. you are a regular owl.
Tell the colonel to bring it
Marriage is 33.7% hiding to eat snacks because you and your spouse are supposed to be on a diet.
Cop: Tell me again why you pulled out scissors and gave her bangs.
Me: She was flirting with a hot dad that I had my eye on.
[first day working at DMV]
Me: I hope you like paperwork
Guy: I am not a fan
Me: *cautiously lifting paperweight* sounds like something a fan would say
Norwegian stuntmen are like, “I HAVE TO CROSS THE FJORD,” and then they jump over the hjood.
*seductively tries to take off sock with his other foot*
Tonight, people who are weaker, slower, and dumber than you will deliver bags of treats to your very doorstep. Seize this moment.
Everything I know about classical music I learned from Bugs Bunny cartoons.
*seductively corrects your posture*
Oh you love your mom? Name three of her albums
“Are you sexually ac-” [my doctor looks up at me] [he marks no]
Them: What would you do with a million dollars?
Me: Pay off student loans.
Them: And with the rest?
Me: lol “the rest.”
HER: You can’t even go 5 minutes without making a Star Trek reference.
ME: Yes I Khan.
I simply point out, might not a warm piece of buttery toast have the same restorative effect as the cigarette to the smoker? And yet when I ask for a Toast Break I am laughed at . . .
starting group chats is like that fox chicken & bag of grain riddle where you cant put certain guys in the same boat or theyll kill everyone
[biologists find beached whale]
its a new species
what can we call it?
[surfer walks by] yo killer whale bro
[biologists look at each other]
2 pacs of eminems for 50 cents? Man that’s Ludacris
Green is just blue that someone peed in
THE WORLD WOULD BE SOOOOO MUCH HAPPIER IF EVERYBODY WAS A DUCK
Wife: “Was that lightning?!” Me: “No, they’re taking pictures for Google earth…”
I told someone I was 30 and they said “that’s okay.”
All I want for Christmas is a survivalist training course so I can finally move to the woods, go off the grid, and not participate in society anymore until the government hunts me down and begs me to help them with a matter of national security, which I refuse.
Someone asked me if I’d found my soulmate and I was like lol I cant even find my debit card.
I used to have poor judgement before Twitter, now I have poorer judgment
I told my tween to exercise so he sat on the couch and told me he was exercising — his right to freedom. I was mad, mostly that I never thought of that one myself.
Me: You’ll never take me alive.
Executioner: Yeah that wouldn’t make sense.
[puts hand on wife’s stomach as baby kicks]
Come out here & try that.
I’m skipping the gym today because I already have a six pack…
waiting for me in the fridge at home.
All I’ve ever really wanted is a modest little home, nothing fancy. A usable kitchen, a yard for the dog, a sprawling bookcase-accessible secret Victorian library with a minimum of three rolling ladders and a kindly ghost librarian. I don’t ask for much.