My bank statement looks like a 9 yr old stole my debit card & used it to eat lunch at every shitty place he could think of for a month.
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Scientist proclaim “This is our last hope” as they load cats into a giant old timey cannon pointed at an asteroid not hurdling toward earth.
By age 35 you should have a drawer in your house filled with random items. That way, when you can’t find something, you’ll just check the junk drawer. And boom, just like that, you won’t find it there either.
“That’s gonna drive me nuts” – peanut farmer showing off his new truck
My wife calls it “woman’s intuition” but I call it “not clearing your browser history.”
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
When my friend broke up with her boyfriend, I was right there with donuts, telling her she was better off sans the idiot.
In a SURPRISING TURN OF EVENTS THAT NOBODY SAW COMING, they got back together and now I’m not welcome in their home.
Lesson learned. No donuts next time.
I’ve lost my voice, and I’ve gotta say, everyone at work seems pretty damn happy about it
Due to inflation my love will now be costing a thing
Netflix: Because you watched that one movie that had Christmas lights in the background of a scene, here are 37 Netflix original holiday movies you might enjoy…
Grandmas be like, “My grandchild murdered someone? Oh, poor baby was probably just overtired.”
Please stop adding noises to your songs that sound like maybe something is wrong with my car.
“Condominium” sounds like a safe sex spell you learn at Hogwarts.
You people who don’t wear glasses don’t realize how gratifying it is to take them off and rub your eyes when someone’s being a moron.
The Royal Family is doing casting calls for blurry white women with brown hair.
Blurry girlies everywhere are like this is our time
It’s weird how we get born in the same city as our favorite sports teams
[in court]
me: if i’m guilty of anything, your honor, it’s trying too hard
judge: trying to break in that car, yes i know
People that call their kids Randy, is that short for Randolph or Randrew?
If you haven’t been to the Grand Canyon, I highly recommend it. It’s just gorges
My husband likes to watch The Bachelorette and I like to stare at him when he does
[Courtroom]
Judge: Have you been up before me?
Convict: I don’t know, Judge. What time were you up this morning?
Will smith literally runs in every movie. Name one movie he didn’t run in. I’ll wait
[dies, meets god]
explain Florida
why isn’t thunder called soundning
“Genetically modified food is very much safe for human consumption” the tomato on my plate reassuringly explained to me.
So Kylie breaks up with Travis, Travis drops HITR and a week later Kylie drops her hit single “Rhïyse eñ Shìńë” which ultimately kick-starts her music career? Smells like another Kris Jenner masterclass to me idk idk
*puts on sports bra*
Well, that’s enough exercise for today…
Just remembered a few years ago when I took my friends phone, went into his contacts and changed my name to Natalie Portman. A few days later I rang him and he answered, surprised but with real hope in his voice, “Hello… Natalie?”
I’ve decided it’s time to fall in love again.
*orders southern fried chicken sandwich with extra pickles*
I’m trying to be more fit these days, so now I walk inside the store to buy my donuts instead of using the drive-thru.
Not all clowns are creepy. Many are just honest, hard-working operatives of Satan.