My washing machine is broken and the laundry is piled so much now, I’ve started to wear old Halloween costumes
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detective: looks like someone cut the victim open
mortician: that was me
detective: *into wire* we got em
My neighbor put alarms in his yard designed to scare squirrels & rabbits but the alarms go off every 20 secs & it’s maddening. He thinks they’re a frequency humans can’t hear (he’s 90 & near deaf). I pulled the batteries & he can’t tell they’re off. Am I going to hell for this?
I hate when I see the moon during the day. Go to bed dude.
My family is missing that gene that tells you when trash cans are full.
[Batman at McDonald’s]
What’s your chicken sandwich called?
-A McChicken
And the rib?
-A McRib
[pulls out his batwallet] I like your style.
Doctors say “internal bleeding” like it’s a bad thing. Blood is supposed to be internal, idiots.
date: I like it when guys know what they want in life
me: *megaphone right in her face* ham
[•[•[•[•[•[•[•_•]•]•]•]•]•]•] Lego guy gang comin right at u
[Kid Training Headquarters]
Kid Boss: When you get home, you must take off your shoes and throw them as far away from each other as possible
Kid Trainee: But shouldn’t we keep them togeth—
Kid Boss: SILENCE, FOOL! YOUR GOAL IS FOR THEM TO END UP IN SEPARATE ROOMS
Grocery store bagger: need help out to your car?
me: *gets in the cart* yes.
Me (texting): Help I’m in the pantry hiding from the murderer
Murderer: Probably shouldn’t have used speech-to-text
*swivels around in evil chair*
*evil laugh*
*pets evil cat*
*evil cat laughs*
*jumps out of evil chair*
“Holy shit, that cat just laughed!”
Both my kids are denying ownership of an iPhone charger that they usually fight over. Makes me wonder what crime scene evidence is on it.
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: writing a Hogwarts letter for when our daughter turns 11.
Wife: but she’s only 3.
Me: I need the extra time.
Wife: why?
Me: to catch and train the owl.
The Assassin.
What do we want?
Decisiveness!
When do we want it?
Ummm…
Haiku is a cross
between poetry and math.
Satan’s handiwork.
call me an overworked optometrist the way eye care too much
My kids are at an age now where they are beginning to understand embarrassment.
This is my time to shine.
Pretty wild how people love surprises until that surprise is finding you hiding in their bushes
I opened this great self-care app.
It’s called “the fridge.”
No matter how prepared you think you are,
a retractable vacuum cord will always find the weakness in your defense.
My son just walked into the room, said hello, asked how I was, then left.
He didn’t actually want anything.
I know! Incredible!
Oh and then I fainted.
I’m Asian, but not wears a kimono, eats dogs, owns a bonsai tree, knows how to use chopsticks, waxes on waxes off, good at the math, Asian.
When I said ‘You can’t buy my love.’
I meant with your salary.
Beam me up, Scotty
Seam me up, tailor
Meme me up, internet
Team me up, sports agent
Steam me up, sauna
Dream me up, sleeper
Cream me up, barista
[courtroom]
JUDGE: “In the case of the State vs Waldo, Jury- how do you find the defendant?”
LEAD JUROR: “…we uh…haven’t yet”
Dear GPS
If I knew which direction northeast was , we wouldn’t be having this conversation
If the band Toto, drummer Tommy Lee & singer Marvin Gaye ever got together and made an album…
…I’m pretty it would be Toto Lee Gaye.
Jeweler- Lord of the rings
Fast internet- Lord of the pings
Vocalist- Lord of the sings
Trivia winner- Lord of the dings
Medical supply- Lord of the slings
Orchestra- Lord of the strings
Sports bar- Lord of the wings
Beekeeper- Lord of the stings
Tinder- Lord of the flings