Girls adore it when you guess their weight as they walk by.
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Me: Being a stay-at-home parent is so filling!
Her: You mean fulfilling, right
Me: (stuffing my face with goldfish crackers) No.
Toddlers will take your last nerve, deep fry it and eat it for breakfast.
I hate it when I forget my password and the security questions make me relive all of my childhood.
Apparently I’ve reached the age where Grammy, Emmy and Oscar are merely other residents in the nursing home.
i’m lonely just not “inventor of the boomerang” lonely
Let me sing you the song of my people
*moves and 97 joints pop*
*Tiptoes up behind a burglar robbing our house and sneaks 10 of my kids’ stuffed animals into his bag*
HUNDRED DOLLAR IDEA:
Go to an ATM.
Withdraw $100.
When someone disagrees with you online & demands you prove your point to their satisfaction by writing a logically sound defense, u can save a lot of time by not doing that.
Dude, I’ve known u for ten seconds & enjoyed none of them, I’m not taking homework assignments from you.
indiana jones: time to explore ancient caves, fight nazis, and seek treasure
idaho jones: time to eat potatoes again
Wife: What is that?
Me: Did you know killer whales are really the largest dolphin in the world?
Wife: I don’t care, just get it OUT of our pool!
Me: [whispering] Don’t worry, Dolphin Lundgren…she’ll come around.
We get it, cacti, you have great biceps.
BATMAN: Thanks for filling in while Robin is away.
MOTHMAN: *Just repeatedly flying into the bat signal*
Tik Toks be like here’s a money hack:
Commit Fraud
If you want to piss off a narcissist, just tell ’em that subtweet wasn’t about them.
911: 911, What’s your emergency?
Me: It’s John again.
911: John, seriously!!!
Me: I know. I know. Just an ambulance if possible. No cops.
I just saved you $50. You’re welcome.
A main part of marriage is heavy sighing to let your spouse know you are upset then saying, “nothing” when they ask what’s wrong.
*in the car*
7yo: I can count to 100,000
5yo: oh yeah, then do it
me: no
‘Do what you want!’ she cried lying back on the bed. ‘I love a man who takes control.’
‘OK’ he said and put her CDs into alphabetical order.
Just ate so many carrots I can see through drywall.
Before I had kids I wasn’t a morning person but after parenting for years I can finally look at the beautiful sunrise every day and say, I’m still not
A “beyond burger” implies the existence of a “bed burger ” and a “bath burger”
i was once in a long-distance relationship and she called me one day crying and admitted she’d cheated on me, and i should have broken it off then but i was young and smitten so i said “it’s ok, i forgive you, just promise you won’t do it again” and she said “no”
Condiments that would be cute baby names:
Dijon
Sriracha
Cholula
Caesar
Aioli
Wasabi
Tabasco (Tabby for short)
Honey Mustard
There are two types of people in this world: those that eat handfuls of grated cheese straight out the bag and those that pretend they don’t
“Why can’t I just eat the wax?”
~me, when I can’t open the cheese
Man texted: “I want you to be my little angle.”
I answered: “Do you want me to be obtuse, right, or acute?”Two days have passed, no reply.
God: so you shoot them with the arrows
Cupid: yes
God: and then they fall in love
Cupid: right
God: with other compatible people
Cupid: uh well-
God: who will love them back
Cupid:
God:
Cupid: sure
[after sleeping in a slightly different position] I have gathered you all here to read my last will and testament…