just watched a movie where the guy has Alzheimer’s and it was randomly jumping and repeating scenes and I was like, well duh, cause he has Alzheimer’s. it’s just an artistic thing by the director. It was not. The chrome cast is just broken and I sat through almost two hours of it
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My mom asked me to text her at 5pm to remind her to get her thyroid medication so I do have plans
I told her love was all about sacrifice, but she still screamed when she saw the dead goat.
KID: where do babies come from
ME: [interrupts] and how do we stop that
If you had a gaming PC in prison, can you imagine how good you’d get
DOOO EEEET
Psychiatrist “Tell me about your trust issues.”
Me “No”
We’ve all got that one family member who’s an embarrassment and this restraining order suggests my family’s settled on me.
I’ve just had to let my trousers out.
They wanted to go for a walk and I couldn’t be bothered.
Getting a man to do something I’m perfectly capable of doing.
doctor: whats the problem?
me: my right leg is missing
doctor: no problemo
me:
doctor: great success, we’ve attached your leg
me: my left leg is missing now
doctor: no problemo
Period tracker: 196 days late
Me: *wears white pants
Period: I’m ready for my comeback
[Walk into a Cat Cafe]
Me-I’ve never eaten cat. What do you recommend?
Lady-They’re for adopting not eating
M-Oh, well can I adopt one?
L-No
My kid has been sneaking tv in the morning and got mad at me today when I caught him like “you didn’t tell me you were coming down the stairs!” Gee sorry I didn’t give you more time to plan your deception buddy
FOR SALE: golden retriever puppies don’t worry they are not haunted. also they don’t have swords. no ghosts or swords. ok i lied they are full of ghosts and wielding so many swords
Be the reason why your local woods are haunted.
My wife didn’t cover her yawn so I opened my mouth too and I totally won the silent screaming contest.
A shoemaker called yesterday and yelled at me because I hadn’t picked up the boots he repaired. It’s been one week. He said they’ve been there since October. (They haven’t.) I said, “WHY ARE YOU YELLING AT ME?” He said he yelled at all his customers.
I reply to “Happy New Year” with “not if I have anything to do with it.”
[taking baby’s shoes off]
Oh what a surprise. Clean soles. It’s almost as if you were carried everywhere.
Sure, tell me about the dream you had. It will give me a chance to count my teeth with my tongue.
Lemon is supposedly a good diuretic. I ate a quart of lemon pudding and nothing is happening.
“Welcome to lazy club. My name i-*doors get kicked in*
“THIS IS A ROBBERY! NOBODY MOVE!”
[voice from the back] “Nobody was going to.”
WIFE: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because I name inanimate objects?
WIFE: no, it’s because you won’t stop wearing that eyepiece
ME: [looking perplexed] why do you hate Monoclewinsky?
Me: Goodnight Moon.
Moon: Don’t “Goodnight” me! Do you know what time it is? Where the hell have you been?
Love the deli paper on the doctor’s table. Mmm I’m a sick little sandwich
I got a final Jeopardy question right and now my pinky won’t stay down when I take a drink
if ur dad didn’t want to be more than friends then why did he get me that delicious glass of water
Who knew 20yrs after Debate class I’d apply those skills to present arguments to 7yo on why pasta shapes don’t change the taste of pasta.
I can’t take anymore of this 50 Shades of Grey promo. It’s still your basic Cinderella story. Now she just has a ball gag.