Can’t trust CNN? Next thing ya know Nigerian royalty sending me emails will be fake.
You Might Also Like
HI MOM. YOU’RE GONNA BE SO PROUD. I JUST WON AN ARGUMENT ON THE INTERNET. Sorry caps lock was still on from the argument. But I won.
I wish job sites ranked jobs by the level of human interaction you will have to deal with on a daily basis.
Was just up a ladder *very obviously* mending the roof when a man ambled over, stood at the bottom and eventually called up ‘Mending the roof are ye?’
Got to reply ‘Aye, once I’ve finished unblocking this sink.’ Never felt more powerful. I am majestic. I could grow antlers.
by age 35 you should have saved enough money to hire someone from the dark web to murder you
Realtor: It’s a four-story building.
Me: Nice!
Realtor (quietly): AllFourOfTheStoriesAreAboutPeopleWhoDiedHere
Me: What?
Realtor: It’s cozy
“why are you being so quiet?” bc I wasn’t listening the first half of the conversation and now I have no idea wtf is going on
Waiter: would you like flat or sparkling water ?
Me: garden hose is fine thanks
My wife told me some guy at the bar was buying her drinks all night to get me jealous.
We’ll it worked. I wish he was buying me drinks.
one time i was taking a cpr training class and someone did cpr so hard on the manikin that the head popped off and then she went to lunch and never came back
me: listen I’m pretty busy now can we do this tomorrow?
murderer: yeah sure sorry
you can basically just make up facts as long as they’re about animals.. cows can’t look left. you don’t know
No one has ever said, “You know what would make this even better? Turkey bacon.”
I was a far more confident parent when I didn’t have any kids.
Though I hear their
Helpless cries
I eat
‘I want to gossip but professionally.’
– news anchors
Who wants an omelet?
(3 minutes later)
Who wants scrambled?
3: I’m going to say hi to that boy on the bike
Boy rides by & she waves shyly after he passes
3: He didn’t hear me
Me: Flirting’s hard
When I want my husband to cut the grass I give him a mowtivational speech.
We can put a man on the moon but we can’t reference any other achievements?
The nice thing about a home gym is you can scream sing to Steppenwolf while doing curls naked, and no one gives you a funny look.
(Job interview)
The starting hourly pay is $30 but it can go up to $45 later
Me: Okay, I’ll start later then
Short women who cook know the difference between cooking tongs and our special “grabbing tongs” to reach items on the top shelves.
I love it when I’m cooking a meal and half way through I realise I don’t have all the ingredients so I improvise by eating a cake instead.
I once attended a wedding on short notice. My wife signed the card for us, and because they were my friends she accidentally addressed it to the bride and their cat, because I had talked about their cat more than my friend
The fact that they call it the Food Pyramid and not Food Triangle implies it has at least two other sides. So maybe this much taffy is OK
I never answer my door because it’s always someone trying to get me to switch to Verizon or someone trying to get me to switch to God and I’m not interested in either of those services
Has anyone seen my jacket? It’s white with sleeves that make you hug yourself and a cute belt.
Blind Date: SWEET JESUS I DONT HAVE ANY EYES
Me: Of course you don’t, you’re a date
Blind Date: WHAT
Me: Kind of like a big raisin
Interesting how Lassie always happens to be at the scene when a kid “falls” down a well.
Your honor? My client would like to address the court and ruin everything.