My new hobby is adding unnecessary adjectives like “frozen ice cubes” or “granulated sand” and watching people’s eyes twitch.
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My son mowed the lawn so if you need me I’ll be outside re-mowing the lawn.
Things I’ve Learned From Horror Movies:
•Don’t have sex, you’ll die.
•Don’t leave the group, you’ll die.
•Don’t be black, you’ll die first.
*bolts upright in bed..
If there’s 24 hrs in a day how many hrs are in a night?!!?
woman who cleans my house: ugh. this place is filthy
also me: lady i’m doing my best
Me: “Leave me alone! I’m confident in who I am and I know my worth!”
Dollar General Employee: “Sir, these shelves aren’t designed to support your weight please get down from there.”
The Mayan Calendar doesn’t really stop at 2012, they just ran out of sexy firefighters.
Maybe it’s love, or maybe she just can’t unclasp that damn bracelet on her wrist without help
Wanna get rich?
Buy my book, ‘How to Get Stupid People on the Internet to Send You $39.95’ for only $39.95.
Just know that when times get tough and you see two sets of footprints in the sand, that’s when Elmo and Tracy Chapman are carrying you
Sensei: you have learned much, my child
Nonsensei: flamingos are extremely inconsiderate
My Sherpa girlfriend is too high-mountainance.
*mother squirrel pulls her child away from the curb just as he’s about to cross the street* junior no! wait for a car to come
My 3yo just had the biggest meltdown and at one point he yelled “I’m going to sneak out of my room in the middle of the night and barricade the kitchen and so nobody in the family can eat food ever again” and I just don’t know. No parenting book could have prepared me for him.
[job int]
“& what are your areas of weakness?”
[leans in so close my nose touches the interviewers]
“I don’t like people touching my nose.”
If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
Nothing like an episode of “I Didn’t Know I Was Pregnant” to make you feel like a Harvard double major.
Last night,my friend changed all my contacts in my phone.I’ve been texted by Batman Donatello,Hermione Granger.I have no idea who they are.
[1st date]
-I’m a fish whisperer.
Wow, what does that mean?
-*whispers* Fish.
Oh… Haha um what do you-
-*whispers right in her ear* Fish.
I have the confidence of a bald headed eagle, and the shy modesty of his distant relative the combover falcon.
Titanic, but with literally thousands of cats.
The US Defense budget is 40x bigger than NASA’s. It’s surprising we actually went to the moon instead of blowing it up.
At my funeral, I want a giant glitter bomb to go off.
It will celebrate my life while ensuring that no one will forget me, since glitter will cling to them forever.
She said she was a cat person…
…but the way she reacted when I pushed her off the bed told a very different story.
Him: Can I have a bite of your dessert?
Me: I think we should see other people.
My kids are fighting over which chores they want to do and this is one fight that I’m not breaking up.
terminator extends hand: come with me if you want to live
me:
terminator: i said come with me if
me: i heard you the first time
Me:
Goes to bed early
Gets 8 hours of sleep.
Eats healthy breakfast.
Takes a hot shower.
Listens to great music on the walk to work.Colleagues: “You look tired.”
Me: Of all my kids, you’re my favorite
12: I’m your only kid
Me: Well that attitude won’t keep you in the top spot for long
I’ll stick with papa johns 🤣🤣🤣
It’s been almost six years since my first child was born, and three years from my second. I’m about to attempt a feat I haven’t dared for as long.
I’m about to put on a white shirt.