[Orca Winfrey Show]
ORCA: “You get a carp! You get a carp! You get a carp!
AQUATIC AUDIENCE: *just screaming their gills off*
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I hope whoever came up with the spelling for Wednesday was pudnished for their actions.
lol
A vegan walks into a bar and doesn’t say anything because the person who has never seen star wars is going on about never seeing star wars.
Insomniacs who are not afraid of the dark have nighty-night problems but the pitch ain’t one.
*invents time machine*
*goes to 1930 germany*
*points guns at young hitler*
What gives u the right to ruin a mustache style for everyone?
Walmart customers are classless.
You shouldn’t drink Cabernet from a Pringle’s can.
Those cans are meant strictly for Pinot Noir.
I have a pun about carpentry.
but Im not sure if it woodwork…
Glad the lady in front of me decided at the last second to stop at the yellow light as I prefer to eat my fries from the dashboard.
A fun way to “Break up” is to tell them to “Go long” and then never throw them the football.
If your dog doesn’t have a middle name how will they know when you’re mad at them when you call them?
20 yr old mom: my child is my life I would give my own life for him
40 yr old mom: GET OFF THE INTERNET RIGHT NOW OR I WILL END YOU
Getting a dog will not solve all your emotional problems. For that you need four dogs.
me: so hear me out, the musical cats but it’s frogs
boss: you remember getting fired yesterday right
Whatever you say to someone, do it while slowly landscaping a tiny zen garden to really bring it home.
me: thanks for the little cup of mountain dew
nurse: what mountain dew
me: it was on the bathroom counter
nurse: omg
me: what
nurse: u drank my mountain dew
Whoever created lasagna was totally a stoner
I want noodles
Okay
Now sauce
Cool
Now cheese
Got it
Now noodles
You said that
Now cheese
WTF!
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Is it because I’m obsessed with Greek mythology?
Her: It’s because of your stupid nicknames for things.
Me, pouring a glass of water: Would you care for Poseidon’s milk?
If u see me talking to myself don’t say nun to me I’m having a staff meeting
what’s my dream career? the guy who bakes chickens and hides them in the walls in castlevania. next question
Last night my 4yo said a prayer for all the people in the world including “Africa, Asia and Syrup.” From now on, I will be referring to Europe only as Syrup.
The size of the gates in Jurassic Park suggests they were always planning on letting the dinosaurs out.
Me: *hyperventilating* 911? BEES! … EVERYWHERE! … SEND…HELP!
“Sir we don’t …”
Me: OMG! DON’T YOU HAVE A SWAT TEAM FOR THIS?
I feel like the person who named pink eye also named orange juice.
*talking to a cool girl at a house party while pretending my right foot is not currently stuck in the dog’s water bowl*
When I was just a little girl
I asked my mother, what will I be
Will I be pretty? Will I be rich?
Here’s what she said to me:No.
(Guy saves family from burning house)
Dad: You’re a hero.
Guy: Anyone could’ve done it.
Mom: You’re so humble.
Guy: Yes, I’m Super Modest.
Friend: I’m pregnant
Me: You should have just got a dog
Me: Why are you in such a bad mood?
5-year-old: I haven’t had my coffee.
Me: You’ve never had coffee.
5-year-old: Exactly.
The pointless tidy up before a play date.