If they shoot down another flying object I’m going to have to start hoarding toilet paper again
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My dad will drive six hours to avoid a three dollar ATM fee
Training a horde of rats to do my bidding is harder than I expected. After seven weeks they still misinterpret every command as “Bite me.”
BREAKING: Popeye Expresses Outrage as Pope Goes to Mount Olive
Good cop: I get it. You wanted an easy way out.
Laptop: Please update Adobe.
All we do is support you, all you ever do is complain about us!
-if bras could talk
Facebook now tags fake news stories from sites like The Onion with #satire to protect users who lack 1st grade critical thinking skills.
#titanic
God: you’ll be man’s best friend
Cat: nah
God: wh-what
Cat: give the role to that guy *points at dog chasing its tail*
Dog: oh boy oh boy i won’t let you down i just love u so much! iloveuiloveuiloveu
God: ok you have a point
Dog, to cat: ilove-
Cat: *swats nose* no
7yo: *eating granola bar* What are you doing?
Me: Cooking dinner.
7yo: *eating 2nd granola bar* Why?
Me: I have no idea.
Her: You know, alot of men are going to be miserable when I marry.
Me: Well how many men do you plan to marry?
Get a dog they said …they never said anything about never ever being able to eat in peace ever again.
[making dinner]
Him, annoyed: it’s like you’re not listening to me
Me: *turns on the faucet, starts the dishwasher, pulses the blender* I have no idea what you’re talking about
You know IT have given up when the error message reads ‘Something went wrong’.
“I just bought a kitchen stove, but you know, you can never have too many of those. I should buy one for every room in the house.” -how Amazon believes people think
on week two of rinsing out an empty jar of peanut butter for recycling, almost there
SERIAL KILLER: you can run but you can’t hide
ME: [crying] you believe in me more than my track coach ever did
I honestly don’t know what my family would do without me.
I’m the only one that knows how to find the correct version of my toddler’s favorite song on YouTube.
Every parent becomes a hostage negotiator when their toddler seizes control of an open bottle of syrup.
My phone: 58%.
My husband’s phone: 7%.
Me: Honey, I need your charger.
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day? You smell of bins.
just once i’d like to lay in bed nude and drink a cup of tea without an art class trying to paint my portrait
Whoever coined, “No good deed goes unpunished,” must have fed some seagulls.
Sorry I jumped out from behind the Doritos display at Kroger and started choking you, I’m new to all this roleplay stuff.
My son can now reach the light switches so don’t come over my house unless you’re really into raves or want to have a seizure.
Is it wrong, to put people on your bucket list?
Spam popsicles.
*follow for more recipes
2020 is like going to a wedding and finding a cash bar kind of year.
*licks the powdered sugar off the donuts and puts them back*
Boss: I kinda like these new low-cal donuts. Real moist.
[death row]
Okay Johnson, it’s time. Any last requests?
Pardon me?
I said it’s time, any last—ah I see what you did there, Johnson. Good one
We’ll just have to agree to disagree is my favorite way of saying “you’re an idiot but I’m tired”