I tried to forgive and forget but I forgot who I forgave.
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GF: I think I’m gunna start a Twitter account
Me: *whips head around* I’ll help you set it up!
*Grabs GF’s phone and hurls it into the Sun*
Sorry to all the people my 3yo has yelled at for eating ice cream in a car.
Telling him it was illegal was wrong. I know this now.
We have friends coming from the Netherlands. My 8yo kept asking if their kids have grown. We couldn’t understand why she was fixated on this.
Neverland. She thought they were from Neverland.
snowing hard this morning. Bus driver slid through a red light. Only thing he said was “we slidin” i cant stop thinking about this
A gingerbread man sits inside a gingerbread house. Is the house made of flesh? Or is he made of house? He screams, for he does not know.
Unsolved mysteries, cat edition
Me: I DON’T HAVE TO TAKE THIS FROM YOU!
Nurse: It’s customary to hold your newborn, sir
Sometimes I go to the store for a battery, and come out with cotton balls, spray paint, cereal, and a lamp.
“What are we doing here, Marcy?”
“Seeing how I’d look with bangs.”
I like to hide vegetables in my kids’ smoothies, and tiger tranquilizers in mine.
It’s normal to have conflicting feelings on Columbus Day. True, he discovered the Greatest Nation on Earth, but he also supported Obamacare.
I’m sick of teeth being so high maintenance. Cleaning? Day AND night?? Or you fall out? You don’t see the other bones acting this way. Seriously, grow up.
It’s amazing how fast the first 30 minutes of work just fly by when you show up a half hour late for work.
As a kid, I had to be careful not to curse around adults. Now as an adult, I have to be careful not to curse around kids.
[making money] Ugh this is boring and awful. But at least spending it will be nice!
[spending money] Ah no this feels bad also
*walks away from an explosion in slow motion
*walks right into another explosion in slow motion
Imagine being a witch and you’re all excited because you just brewed up a wicked potion but then you realize now you gotta clean out that cauldron and it’s too big for the dishwasher ugh
I’ve never made eggplant before. Is it better fried or scrambled?
houseplants b like due to personal reasons i will be passing away…
If Satan isn’t real then why am I in a group text with my family
Everyone seems so happy for you until they realize your baby carrier is just filled with mozzarella sticks.
[in the world of chess]
kings: here’s a sword
bishop: what do i do with this? i can’t even run straight
‘Lady Doritos’ sounds like something Guy Fieri would call his wife when he’s trying to be romantic
Our homeowner’s association just sent out a notice about dogs barking in the neighborhood which is so totally stupid cause dogs don’t read email.
we all know this pain all too well
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor onboard?
Mom: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Mom
Mom: Not asking for an artist to help, are they?
Everyone on the plane: Wait, you’re an artist?
Everyone on the plane, including dying guy: Can you draw me?
[antique store]
customer: I want something new for my living room
me: do… do you know what antique means
It’s actually pretty rude of you to assume that I know what I’m doing
[spiders pour into room]
THEYRE EVERYWHERE
[group of tap dancers enter] ALRIGHT MEN THIS IS WHAT WEVE TRAINED FOR
Dispatcher:
“The call is coming from inside the house!”Me, seconds from murdered:
“I have a landline?”