I think I could be a pretty good boxer as long as the other guy isn’t allowed to hit me.
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Retweet this if you want to be abducted by aliens.
Wife: y is a penguin w an umbrella in the-
Me:*points to dog dressed as batman* so Bark Wayne isnt bored
W:
M: he needs an arch enemy, Karen
[band comes out for encore] DO YOU WANNA HEAR ONE MORE
crowd: YAAAAAHHHH
me: GETTING KINDA LATE GUYS
*Gets divorced*
*Deletes ‘actress’ from LinkedIn profile*
“I’ll take the Batmobile. Robin, you take the–”
[Robin doing up laces]
“The Batskates, yeah I know.”
The lady at McDonald’s gave me an extra pack of fries for free. I hope she is ok with the names I picked out for our children.
Never ever tell yourself “my idea isn’t good enough.” The entire premise of Marmaduke is “what if a dog was big” and that shit has been going for 60 goddamn years
I’m in shock. I caught my houseghost naked… ironing his sheet.
15: *cleaning her glasses with the hem of her shirt* Ever wonder how nudists clean their glasses?
Me: No. *spends the rest of the night wondering how nudists clean their glasses*
Look, if you need a heimlich, just ask me nicely, enough of this flapping your arms and making faces shit.
Some of you Game of Thrones nerds clearly never watched Dexter drive a boat into a hurricane with his dead sister on board after leaving his young son in the care of a known serial killer so he could go become a lumberjack… and it shows.
No, I didn’t ask why she had a baby goat at work with her. *shrug* Seems like a personal question.
Death row last meal? Starfish. Eat a leg, it grows back. Sit back and enjoy a long life eating starfish legs in an electric chair.
“Awwww, that is so sweet! I think you’re outstanding too!”
me, to the collection agency
My whole life just flashed before my eyes and there was way too much cauliflower.
My brother in law sent us adorable Valentines from our 14 month old niece who we have never met (They live in Canada)
Her litlte red handprints are the card are so sweet…except it also kinda looks like she bathed in the blood of her enemies and then sent us a warning
My cat jumped off me unexpectedly, so I get it, Europe. I get it.
I once had sex while drinking a beer and didn’t spill a drop.
I only wish there was someone else there to witness it.
Video games really overstate the likelihood that your health will improve if you consume an item you find in a public bathroom.
Calm down, people on FB who ran the Detroit marathon. I’d be running a shit load too if I were in Detroit.
I sleep with a knife under my pillow in case someone breaks in and needs to filet a fish
I hate how everything is organic now. I miss chemicals.
“Put your hand on the shopping cart or I’m going to put you inside it.”
“Mom I’m right here.”
“Hand on the cart now. I don’t want you to get lost.”
“MooOoom”
“5, 4”
“I’M NOT GETTING LOST!”
“3, 2, 1”
*My mom struggles to lift me up into the cart*
“I’M 36 MOM!!”
This won’t work unless you stop asking questions about why I brought a smoked turkey leg to bed.
I wanted to make my apartment feel more like a hotel, so I charged myself $40 for a cheese plate and watched the second half of Gladiator
if a cop pulls u over play dead
Wife : I wish we still had sex like we did when we first started dating.
Me: So, like, with other people?
If we’ve learned anything from history…
I’d be amazed.
Nothing takes longer than the Amazon truck, that is 4 stops away