Me: You said pick the kids up
Wife: OUR KIDS
Me: *Watching a pack of feral children destroy everything we own* Yeah, that makes more sense
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C’mon, I can’t be the only one that does kegels to pass the time in meetings
tired: rom-coms sold us lies about love
wired: rom-coms sold us lies about building a career in journalism
My wife steals my fries as if she identifies as a seagull.
Mud season creeps up on us every year, destroying hearts and minds as well as light grey carpeting.
The main reason I lost my virginity was to ensure I wouldn’t be sacrificed anytime soon.
I saw a woman really screaming at her kids in public this morning, but in her defense, the kids were ugly.
older coworker: i made a cake to celebrate the 25th anniversary of my divorce!
younger coworker: wow, you’ve been divorced longer than i’ve been alive
everyone:
everyone:
everyone:
older coworker: you don’t get any cake
If you post a handstand photo of yourself at the beach in Uggs you’re automatically entered into an essay contest on why you love your Jetta
Me: One time I ended up in the changing rooms at a football match in London and caught a glimpse of a naked footballer
Friend: Arsenal?
Me: No, just the front
One time an orca befriended me and then tried to steal my boyfriend
Me: It’s late. I guess I’ll go to bed.
-My brain, who up until now has always been the logical one “Let’s put up a tent in the living room”
‘I like mouse but I couldn’t eat a whole one’
– Our sodding cat
Nothing stops me in my tracks faster than a five year old saying, “I got you a present!”
Him: so do you prefer top or bottom?
Me: either, as long as there’s butter
Him: are we still talking about se-
Me: muffins, yes
… I now pronounce you husband and wife! You may now eat the onion ring
[first/last day working at an Italian restaurant]
CUSTOMER: what types of pasta do you have?
ME: we have spaghetti, vermicelli, rigatoni, enrico palazzo, falsetto, versace and fellatio
Imhotep’s full name was In My Humble Opinion Tep
*walks into HR wearing a Princess Leia bikini
Shortly before lockdown I sold a cordless vacuum cleaner to someone and didn’t, I repeat didn’t, say to him as I handed it over, well it was just gathering dust.
I now have to live with this missed opportunity.
I hate when I’m pooping alone in the house and I hear a noise.. please don’t kill me while i’m pooping..
“How’s your core?” bro I’m not an apple.
i can’t believe my little brother is a father we used to have to hide beans in the higher up cabinets so he wouldn’t shove them up his nose
[watching the news]
God: oh my me, this show is awful who wrote this
angel: you did sir
me: make me irresistible to women
genie: *turns me into a puppy* careful what you wish for haha
me: *raises hind leg over lamp*
genie: wait no stop
If it was really a smart phone it would have recognize that it was an ignored call, not missed.
Fact: There comes a point in every man’s life that he regrets teaching his son about triple dog dares.
Imagine if spiders screamed at us when we found them.
Me: You guys wanna play house?
Them: Sure
Me, throwing the nearest kid on a gurney: We are gonna need a crash cart in here stat! WE ARE LOSING HIM! And you said you thought it was lupus.
Niece: A have a lot of friends named Nathan, there’s Nathan…(endless droning about nicknames)
Me: When they are together, do you call them The United Nathans?
(Not sure what happened after that because I was laughing hysterically at what may be the best dad joke ever made.)