HER: my friend katie is single again
ME: so’s my buddy dave, we should set them up
HER: yes!
[later]
DAVE AND KATIE [talking to the cops]: we swear we were framed!
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Therapist: Would you date yourself?
Me: No, I deserve better…
Do people who eat super-crunchy peanut butter know about peanuts?
Donald Trump says he’ll open up secret 9/11 files. Miley Cyrus says she’ll flee the country if Trump is elected. Connect the dots, people.
what sorcery is this? How does my VLC player know its christmas ????
As I find myself in yet another room without remembering why, it’s apparent my wisdom teeth are doing nothing for me.
Him: I’m sorry, socks in bed are kind of a deal breaker
Me: wow
My sock puppet: WOW
I only see psychics so that I can keep arguing with dead relatives.
My ex asked me what would make her new shoes look more sexy. “Give them to your sister,” was apparently a relationship breaking answer
[Saturday morning, 5:53 am]
[a tap on my shoulder wakes me]
8YR OLD: dad, I’m bored
Friend: I can’t sleep.
Me: Have you tried putting your phone down?
Friend: Then how will I complain that I can’t sleep?
Bartender: What will you have?
Me: Whiskey
BT: Straight?
Me: Except for that one time in college.
BT:
Me:
BT:
Me: How ’bout them Red Sox?
“At this point, if the Zodiac Killer is still alive, he’s gonna reveal his identity just so people don’t think he’s Ted Cruz. “ – my wife
True
I couldn’t say no to a double dog dare. How about you? Why did you get arrested?
Would like to be a man who dies with his boots on, but knowing my luck it will be a day I chose to wear socks with a pair of Crocs and my friends will have fun with that.
Me: I won’t let anything control me!
My bladder: Lmao
This guy keeps buying me drinks and talking to me as if I’ll go home with him just because we’re married
Me: Damn i really need to do my essay
Also me:
I hate when my camera rings, in the middle of a selfie.
Moan louder every time the cashier scans one of your items.
STOP SACRIFICING GOATS I NEVER SAID I WANTED GOATS
There is a lot of tension between bed and productivity today.
Sorry I look depressed. It’s just that when I heard the sound of your high heels on the hardwood floor, I thought a pony was in the house.
imagine a store where you can steal anything for free. if you steal it, it’s yours. to make it exciting, if you get caught, they arrest you
I’ve lost more friends to Candy Crush than Crystal Meth.
Whenever I get my hair cut I always take a ‘before and after’ photo outside the barber’s shop. Here’s the latest…
For you sir I would recommend one of our deluxe funeral plans where I won’t dig you up and slap you around when I’m feeling mad at skeletons
[loudly in front of a bunch of ducks] “OH NO I SEEM TO HAVE BROUGHT TOO MUCH BREAD WITH ME WHATEVER SHALL I DO?” *ducks try to play it cool*
*2 dogs watching a person walk into the house. one of them whispers to the other*
now, try not to go berserk but that’s the guy who knows where all the treats are
Evolution saved Big Bird from fitting in a mine.