My kitchen after I cut an everything bagel in half
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The Purge but instead of all crime being legal all cheese related products are free
WIFE: Did you take care of that thing I asked you to do?
ME: No.
WIFE: I’ve asked you at least 10 times.
ME: I’ll get it done this afternoon.
WIFE: You better.
ME (terrified): [has no idea what she asked me to do.]
Middle aged happiness is discovering that the next load of laundry to fold is just 8 bath towels and not 46 pieces of small human clothes.
people are doing cold plunges and i’m like, when i take a bath the water is so hot you could boil pasta in it.
Etiquette advice please: I can smell that my neighbour’s grilling burgers
Do I bring my own paper plate or is he obligated to provide one
me: four out of five dentists recommend Colgate so I’ll have that
waiter: uhhh you want fries with that
“Dont put all your eggs in one basket,” is a lie perpetuated by Big Basket to sell more baskets
Got very excited when I saw that Mastodon was trending. Was quite disappointed to discover that it had nothing to do with prehistoric animals.
“What’s the worst that can happen?”
Buddy I’ve got anxiety, I’ll make you a list
Everyone’s a gangster until they have to roll forward while sitting in an office chair.
My parents told me as a kid that R&B stood for ribbons and bows so when I heard Barry White in their bedroom I left them alone to do crafts.
Sometimes I just sit and run my fingers through my girl’s hair. Its a nice way to let her know I love her and also that were out of napkins
Judging by this sunburn, I’d say the sunscreen I lathered on earlier was SPF goddamn liar.
Boss: What’s your five-year goal?
Me: Paid administrative leave.
Walked into the bathroom and it sounded like someone was powerlifting in one of the stalls. That, or an exorcism.
kid: dad, dad, dad I can do a magic trick, pick a card
*takes card*
kid: ok give it back and *shuffles* is this your card ?
no
is this your card ?
no
*27 cards later* is this your card ?
no…
[fancy daughter comes back from her first semester at culinary school in the big city] Well well well if it isn’t
Very good! 👍😂
person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person: hi
You might think I’m flirting, but really those faces are just me trying to get the peanut butter off the roof of my mouth
I’m guessing the best thing about being a zombie is knowing the dance routine to “Thriller”.
Impressing the woman sitting next to me on the plane by scrolling through all the games on my Nintendo Switch and muttering “too easy” under my breath at each one.
Fixing my grandma’s computer and I see that her search history is about seven various spellings of the name of the last guy I dated.
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
Marriage after kids is basically two zookeepers arguing about who has to clean up the monkey poop on a daily basis.
love can touch us one time and last for a lifetime
*herpes
Why are ghosts and angels depicted as semi transparent is that what happens when you die they just turn your opacity down
10:00pm
*gets a snack*
10:01pm
*turns on tv*
10:02pm
*glances at twitter for 8 seconds*
February
Co-worker: Do you know why there is water on the floor?
Me: Yes, but I don’t have time right now to explain fluid dynamics and stagnation points.