You can’t fix stupid but you can fantasize about slapping the shit out of it.
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Him: Congrats on the new baby. Boy or girl?
Me: Girl.
H: And what did you name her?
M: Well we were both huge fans of Elvis Costello so we named her after his best-known song.
H: Oh! Alison? Or Veronica?
M: What? No. Her name is “Watching the Detectives.”
wife: where are the beans?
me: i made phones with the cans.
wife: can i talk to you in the kitchen?
small voice echoing from the kitchen: you can now.
So fluffy! 😍 #Cats #CatsOfTwitter
Had a yard sale to raise some much-needed cash. I really miss that yard.
To the raisin I just beat to death with my shoe..
Eww! I thought you were a spider.
Eww! Someone’s bringing raisins in my house.
damn girl r u internet explorer cause u r not responding
Me: What are you doing?
My 6yo: [buttering the piano] Nothing.
Me: Better late than never!
Wife: …
M: Seeing red?
W: …
M: Go with the flow!
W: …
M: I’ll go buy tampons.
W: NOW, MISTER FUNNY MAN.
Start a lawnmower upside down and you have a personal helicopter
Inflatable mattresses are great if you like your bed to slowly eat you.
*wears something low cut to my colonoscopy*
ME: Very funny.
GENIE: It’s what you asked for.
ME: You’re such an asshole.
GENIE: You said you wanted a-
ME: 27 foot yacht. Yeah, I get it.
I’m glad the Dentist calls me the day before to remind me to cancel my appointment.
My daughter in college texted me and asked where to go to get air in her tires. I told her the gas station and I swear on all that is holy her response was this, “I only have $88 in my bank account. Will it cost more than that?”
There’s an alternate universe where we are together and finally happy.
And I probably forgot to take out the trash there, too.
Why did they make Courtney Cox? Because Lisa Kudrow.
Knock knock?? Who’s there?? Jehovah Witness. Knock knock?? Knock knock?? Hello?? Knock knock??
Sorry I embarrassed you when I tried to draft Smaug, but I totally misunderstood the concept of a Fantasy football league.
I once tried to the Dirty Dancing lift with my cat but it turns out Mr. Mittens isn’t very strong.
She posted me to the group chat and they said I’m handsome
When I was younger, I thought a taxidermist was a dermatologist that arrived in taxis.
Why does cake packaging have to be the loudest thing on planet earth? Doesn’t it know that I want to eat it at 3 a.m.?
Grammar isn’t just grandpa’s wife.
Coworker: Do u have a phone charger?
Me: No.
CW: How about the 1 on your desk?
Me: WHO ARE U CALLING A JIGGABOO LINDA?!
CW: OMG! *runs away*
*aggressively pronounces luncheon like lunch-ee-own*
Whenever I’m at home drinking alone with my dog, I tell people I’m drinking with my dawg, so it sounds like I’m drinking with my cool friend
#TakeMyAdvice Don’t let Mom trim your hair.
Sure it’s cold, but I’m not going to break a sweat over it.
The only good thing about daylight saving time is tricking kids into bed early
My sleep apnea was diagnosed at a staff meeting.