Strangers are friends you haven’t met yet.
Friends are lovers you haven’t kissed yet.
Lovers are corpses you haven’t killed yet.
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me: [sets to bed time reminders on my Fitbit to be responsible]
Later that night
Fitbit: time for bed
me: DON’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO
Hey, people who leave the volume on an odd, non divisible by 5 number, how do you live with yourselves?!
theres been a horrible success at the accident factory
I’m looking at old yearbooks and for the first time I’m questioning whether my classmates really meant “You’re crazy” as a compliment.
Responsibility for the New York earthquake is already being claimed by tremorrists.
2 halloweens ago I was brutally owned by a small child when I answered my door in normal clothes and she said “nice lumberjack costume.”
A car pool is an extravagant waste of water.
waiter: can i show you to the table
me: sure
waiter: here he is
table: [unimpressed noises]
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
True story:
I once went on a date and for some reason started talking about dolphins mating. I never saw her again.
Guys only want one thing and it’s to lick your Himalayan salt lamp when you’re not looking.
Don’t be sad about being single on Valentine’s Day, think of all the ppl in relationships that don’t know they’re also single
When my wife sends me to the kitchen to see if there are any cookies left and I report back that unfortunately, there are not.
No one cares about your plans for the weekend more than the person cutting your hair
cut negativity out of your life. delete Facebook. block your landlord’s number. uninstall your banking app. stop paying taxes. forget math. self care.
After years of the wife complaining about me wearing the same boring underwear I decided to surprise her by jazzing up my ‘lingerie’ collection.
So I bought a second pair.
It’s hard to dial for help when you have two Pringles cans jammed on your hands again
Arrange marriage are scary. What if my husband doesn’t like my boyfriend? 🙄
how dare the girl i spent one day with in berlin 2 years ago unfollow me on instagram
[creating animals]
God- I want an animal with 2 humps
Angel- And a cute face?
G- Yes.. And make them spit at humans
A- LOL
G- LOL
Stop. It’s not like I’m after everyone’s husband. Just yours.
Why do we call it losing weight instead of lightening up?
Well, time to go to bed & remember that I started and abandoned a huge organizing project that involved putting a bunch of stuff on the bed.
My husband and I had an argument yesterday, we went to bed angry.
I woke up to a bacon egg & cheese. I thought wow… he’s really making an effort. I ate it.
Turns out it wasn’t for me 🤣
the audacity of someone being in the store aisle i want to go down.
Could you set a lightsaber on low and use it as a back scratcher?
Homeless man asked me if I could ‘spare some change’. I told him ‘change comes from within’. Long story short, I’m missing a kidney.
A movie where two people finally kiss and all their friends cheer in the background because just behind the kissing people two swans are fighting brutally
I will raise my son to treat your daughters like spoiled princesses, but only if you don’t raise your daughters to think they are. Deal?
Making homemade peanut butter isn’t as hard as people make it out to be if you just pre-chew the peanuts first.
For more helpful cooking tips follow my blog “Tell Me She didn’t Really Just Do That”.