Me in the future: Son, you’re going to go far.
Son, fiddling with the catapult straps: I question your judgment daily.
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My german shepard doesn’t like dog food, so we have that in common.
I think I might be ready to start dating again?
Husband:
I just dropped my phone in the toilet and for a second I stood over it and thought, “That’s where it belongs.”
Boss : Why Are You Late?
She : Heavy Traffic
Boss : Is that my fault?
She : Did I Blame You
We’ve secretly replaced the G with a K on this bottle of Jergens.
Let’s see if he notices.
*walks in at 3am*
Wife: OMG, what happened?
Me: I was attacked.[front door 5hrs later]
Neighbor: What happened to our inflatable Santa?
COWORKER: donuts in the break room want me to grab you one?
ME: no thanks i’m on a diet
CW: are you sur-
M: OK BUT I’LL JUST HAVE THREE
i absolutely refuse to drink any tap water till it’s gone though my brita filter that i haven’t changed in 5 years
the simulation is moving too fast
Whenever I see a Toyota Prius pulled over for speeding the first thing I look for is a ACME rocket mounted on the roof.
I think Twitter is affecting my eyesight. I’m having difficulty seeing the laundry pile up
Still can’t quite believe the World Health Organisation framed Roger Rabbit
If Violets were Orange, poetry would be a lot more challenging.
at least one time somebody must’ve thrown a baby out with the bath water. otherwise people wouldn’t be so worried about it
Me: You’ve got the same stupid duck face in every picture! Daffy: Erm… 😐
I thought my 1-year-old had hints of red in her hair like me. Turned out she had dried-up sweet potato in her hair…also like me.
Age 8: Flinging myself off the swings at high speed onto a concrete floor, bouncing up instantly and laughing before bounding away like a gazelle.
Age 48: Raising my eyebrows in a slightly more robust way than usual and fracturing my skull.
Never tell me to “make myself at home”…i’m just gonna eat all your cheese and then take a nap.
If someone’s embarrassed just tell them an astronaut did the same thing. For example, “It’s ok, Buzz Aldren once shit himself in an Arby’s”
My kids used to love the voice characters I’ve created while reading their favorite bedtime stories.
My wife during our sexy time does not.
*gets a new lease on life*
*misses first payment*
one time i was listening to some really cool people having a conversation when one of them suddenly turned to me & asked, “what are you doing here?”
I’d be safe working at Boeing (I’m not blowing anything these days)
AH WONDERFUL I SEE THE JOB APPLICATION HAS CHOSEN TO IGNORE MY BEAUTIFULLY CRAFTED RESUME IN LIEU OF MAKING ME ENTER MY INFORMATION LINE BY LINE ONTO SOME SORT OF WEBSITE FROM THE 1800S
I get mortgage-related spam multiple times a day. It reaches me by text, phone, email, postage, and even social media. I’m absolutely sick of them not giving homing pigeons a chance.
I asked my cat if I’m passive aggressive and she ignored me.
I hope I don’t forget to feed her tonight.
[park]
STRANGER: Your dog is unusual lookingME: Yeah, he’s interbred
DUCK: [waddles up] I’ll tell you who else is into bread
Me: It’s time to lose my quarantine 15.
Girl Scouts: Hold my cookies.
Cow it started Cow it’s going
My son’s girlfriend always peels out of the driveway like a car chase from the Rockford Files.
I admire her spirit, but I have to live with my neighbors.