(NASA)
HQ: Good launch everyone.
Astronaut: Uhh what’s that buzzing noise?
NASA Prankster: Definitely rocket noise and not bees.
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If your coffee smells of sausages, there’s a fair chance you’ve accidentally made yourself a cup of sausages.
doctor: how’s the weight loss plan going?
me: i’m doing my best
doctor: are….you drinking a glass of ranch?
me: best doesn’t mean good
me as a new nurse trying to help out in a code
Arguing w him is like playing Pictionary w/ the person who draws one weird little shape and just keeps circling it over and over and over.
One thing I’m good at is making grocery lists.They are some great damn lists.They don’t come to the store with me. But they are sweet lists.
I work from home and tend towards introvert
Him: (assessing the surroundings) when did you last leave the house?
Me: Saturday!
Him (familiar with my bullshit): WHICH Saturday?
BOSS: I see you got the memo about not vaping in the men’s restroom?
ME: [vaping in the ladies restroom] I did.
I forgot my glasses so I pointed to a random spot on the menu and now I’m hoping for the best
Hear me out. An Elton John themed Indian restaurant named Rocket Naan.
PROPOSAL: Rebrand shootings as “late-term abortion.” Watch the GOP scramble to stop them.
My 12yo daughter has a male friend in her room right now and I just heard her say the word “romance” through the door, so if you need me I’ll be knocking on their door with panic-snacks every 10 minutes and weeping salty dad-tears the rest of the time
.@rickygervais Ricky, if you can get Twitter to verify me, you will be the first atheist allowed into heaven.
me: there are plenty of white rappers
him: …dr seuss
Waiter: How did you find your meal, sir?
Me: Yeah, it was nice.
Waiter: That’s not what I meant and you know it.
Me: Another waiter told me where you hid it.
I just lifted a couch to retrieve a Skittle that fell underneath it, so I get you Moms that lift cars to rescue children, I get you.
i’m vegetarian, but sometimes i introduce myself as vegan so people will leave me alone
Guy at the Supermarket: Excuse me sir, do you want to donate to Diabetes?
Me: No, thank you. I’m opposed to Diabetes.
This “band-aid” is bugging me 🤣
why is every reddit relationships question like “i [F29] love my fiance [M34], except whenever we fight, he takes a dump in the living room, then makes me refer to his dump as ‘Mr. Hoskins’ and apologize to it. am i overreacting? our wedding is in 6 hours”
I got gas today for $1.39. Unfortunately, it was at Taco Bell!!
Restaurant chain commercials should run the disclaimer “Actual food might not tumble and splash in slow motion”.
“Can you get my water, Mom?”
— My child, still in possession of the perfectly healthy legs I spent 9 months growing for him.
I should have grown him some Go Go Gadget arms.
Out in public, my husband and I only argue using whale sounds, so it’s actually a very calm and soothing experience for people around us.
Hi. This automated call is to let you know that the prescription you don’t need is available and that the one that you do need has been discontinued. Press one to continue to get annoying calls like this. Press two for the same thing.
A third zebra strolls casually while whistling and pretending to read a newspaper onto Noah’s ark.
me: *tries to schedule car maintenance online*
website: we need you to call for that
me: *calls*
phone message: we’re busy, use the website
me: screams into the void
the void: please use the website
I thanked my husband for favoriting one of my tweets and he said: ‘Ya that was an accident.’
I saw a UFO flying over my house this morning but my camera has too many pixels and clarity so I didn’t capture it.
Try to eat 70,000 small meals a day to keep your metabolism on its toes.