MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
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So there’s been some misinformation going around about the “child stabbing machine.” I want to correct some misperceptions. To start, the machine is built to look like a fun party clown. It’s fun! Also (and it’s understandable if you weren’t aware) children love getting stabbed.
Me: Where do you think you’re going? I did NOT give you permission to go out!
My back: I’m grown! You can’t tell me what to do! I can go out when and where I want to!
I bought a umbrella today and it started raining almost immediately. I’m heading to buy a box of condoms…
Sometimes, when I’m bored, I tell my mother-in-law to relax.
We have ants and tonight at dinner:
My husband: Did you know ants leave behind a trail that we can’t smell but the cats can?
3yo: I can.
Me: No, humans can’t smell it.
3yo: *sniffing loudly* smells like ants.
Auto correct changed “dingo” into “condom” which is still accurate. The condom did kind of eat my baby. All my babies.
PARTNER: i think we should see other people
ME: look if you want to break up fine but for the love of god don’t make me see other people
Can’t leave this facebook group because someone has raccoons living under their bathtub and now I’m invested in how it plays out
“I’m sorry but it’s only 7 items or less in the dressing rooms”
[octopus glove shopping] “this is unacceptable”
Geologically speaking San Francisco is such bullshit. “I’m gonna make you go up three hills and down two hills to get anywhere!” Grow up.
Baby is your name pasture because you reek of pure bullshit
I’ve always wondered if my toddler liked me or my husband better.
But I just heard her say, “Oh shit, Daddy’s home” so at least I know she’s on my side.
Ordered a new piece of furniture that said ‘some assembly required.’ They delivered a tree stump with a note that said good luck.
Ladies, if Men had PMS they’d get into fist fights, defraud partners, start wars, abuse women, stop paying child support..HEY-wait a minute!
Just saw that my wife was googling ballroom dancing lessons and now I’m hoping that she’s having an affair.
Be the person nobody was prepared to deal with.
[party city]
employee: you don’t work here—why are you taking an inventory of these cardboard cutouts of sherlock?
me: I’ve got stock holmes syndrome
Playing a game with my kid where she draws a picture and I have one chance to guess what it is and if I’m wrong, everyone’s day is ruined.
Sober me: I hate drunk people
Me after first drink: WHERE MY DRUNK PEOPLE AT
Don’t take this wrong but if I see another baby Star Wars character I’m gonna dismember everyone
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because I’m black??
Cop: Sir, you’re white, driving 90 in a 30.
Me: Racist.
Cop: Get out.
LEGALIZE MEDICINAL MURDER
If you keep your curtains open at night, please know I WILL slow down as I drive by to critique your decorating and see what you’re watching.
I bet when the toaster came out everyone was happy they didn’t have to throw their bread at lightning anymore.
‘It’s the thought that counts’ doesn’t work on housework.
Good try though.
[mom and pop shop]
Me: *sniffling* one mom please
So a 12 year old told me it’s a good idea to have a bourbon cake. I’ll take no questions at this time.
Vegans aren’t so bad. They taste like chicken.
Me: my wife says I never pay attention
Wife: I said alimony, but add attention to the list
My 4yo pretended she was a hired cleaner yesterday as. As she helped me clean she asked if I had any kids. After telling her about my 2 I asked if she had any of her own. Turns out she has 5 kids and has been married to a man named Carlin for 30 years. You think you know someone.