If you see someone crying, ask if it’s because of their haircut.
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[shower song] Im all outta Dove
Im soapless without you
I’ll never get clean
Now that you are all gone
*grabs shampoo mic*
IM ALL OUTTA DOVE
My former co-worker’s neighbor’s cousin
Facebook: “You may know this person. Add friend?”
If you made her sweat, sweat till she can’t sweat no more, perhaps you should have taken a water break. Dehydration is dangerous.
Best thing about dead batteries is they are free of charge!
Maybe having my husband talk to my son about how he shouldn’t be running a fantasy football league with his friends at school was a bad idea because my husband’s first question was, “What’s the buy in?”
Detective: Did your husband have any enemies, ma’am?
Wife: Well, the cat next door never really liked Jim, and that always seemed a bit odd.
Son’s journal entry
💯 sweet 💯 inaccurate on all counts
Y’all wanna hear something funny?
Lol me too
My wife hates it when I say “You are just like your mother!”
Actually, she hates it when I say *anything* during sex.
When I was a child, 49 seemed like such an ancient, faraway age, where people would probably totter about aimlessly and confused, forgetting everything, with parts of their decrepit body falling off. Now I actually am 49, I realise I was absolutely spot on.
*doesnt stand for national anthem as protest against people who don’t stand for national anthem*
ME: these fireworks are so quiet
WIFE: those are palm trees
Caught an epiisode of “American Ninja Warrior” and I’m thinking if I put my mind to it and train really hard I could be in that studio audience.
Interview
Boss: Greatest weakness
Me: Sometimes I answer questions with 90s rap lyrics
B: Is that here on your resume
M: Whoomp, there it is
First day of summer vacation so I told my kids to propose a daily chore list and a fair compensation system and long story short, I just got home from work and I guess I already owe them $725 and a trip to Disneyland.
How do I even know this guy is my “boss”. I’ve just been taking his word for it
when i don’t respond right away: i’m busy, they’ll understand
when someone takes more than three minutes to respond to me: wow ok judas
RELATIONSHIP STATUS:
Time is precious, waste it wisely.
*my boss angrily taps his watch because I come into the meeting late
*i angrily tap my watch back because this meeting is too early
Hiking is useful if you like the outdoors, fitness, or finding new and interesting places to dispose of bodies
My five year old keeps asking about our plans “over the holidays.” By “the holidays” she’s referring to her birthday next month.
Barney: [skipping pebbles across the lake]
Fred: MY DAUGHTER!
I’m a Florida 4, but a Walmart 6, so I’m a Florida Walmart 5.
Don’t bother using those white packets of seasoning inside new shoes, they taste terrible.
Kill them with kindness, you say?
*slowly and sadly puts down bazooka*
Nextdoor doesn’t always deliver, but boy oh boy when it does…
The 4 Secrets to Succeeding in Business:
– Don’t get mauled to death by a lion
– Don’t get mauled to death by a shark
– Don’t get mauled to death by a bear
– Don’t get mauled to death by a wolf(You can’t succeed in business if you’ve been mauled to death by an animal)
ME: We’re all out of beef
CHEF: In that case, I need you to grill the chicken
ME [rolling sleeves up] you think that little shit knows something?