HER: i love mythology
ME: *sensing an opportunity* i love your thology too
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HER: If you could have any pet—
ME: Panda.
HER: Wow. Okay, what would you name—
ME: Pandrew.
When I get a girlfriend, what do I feed it
Me: I don’t think I belong
Therapist: Do you think you be short?
Remembering the time we went to a party at a friend’s house, parked behind a row of cars, went in the unlocked front door, put our food on the table and I saw a family portrait and said, “OMG we’re in the wrong house!” So we grabbed our stuff and ran out the door. Totally normal.
My dog, introducing himself to our neighbor’s dog. I’m not gonna tell him.
I bet most people who wear Adidas shirts have never even really listened to their music.
You, idiot: Bill Gates
Me, a genius: Invoice Doors
How was your day?
-You know in Die Hard when he runs barefoot over broken glass?
That bad?
-Oh no. It’s just a cool scene. My day was decent
Boobs are to men what laser pointers are to cats.
No, I’m not wearing lipgloss, I’ve just been eating salami.
Doctor: how did you hurt your back?
Me: well, I was lying in bed …
Doctor: and?
Me: that’s it
The Blob: Bakery Beginning!
Anyone can pull a dr. doolittle like how do you know I’m lying, are you going to ask the animal you don’t think i can talk to, sir?
Who called it Thanksgiving and not the Nightmare before Christmas?
Hallmark: please make modern cards, like “Sorry you got your joke explained to you.”
I finally used all those stickers I collected over the years. Now everything in my house is an Apple product.
I’m looking for a home with huge yard, tall privacy fence and a couple of sheds preferably one with a freezer that can hold two or three.
–me on house hunters
if you haven’t yet today pleaseeeee make sure you get in your hours and hours of screen time. you are your phone’s entire life. it misses you ♥️♥️🫶🏼🫶🏼 always remember this
Saw a Fed Ex driver screaming out the window of his truck “we da real Santa Claus.” New York is the best.
I’m going to name my son Red so he’ll grow up to be a wise sportswriter or the prison inmate who knows how to get things. Hopefully both.
Half my family is Catholic, the other half Jewish, so when the tweet contest theme is “guilt” I pretty much have it in the bag.
Who wants a McKnuckle sandwich?
Yachts are for rich people who always thought waterbeds were cool.
*in a Chinese restaurant*
Who is the manager?
“No, Ji is the manager, Hu is the owner”
How should I know? You’re the one who works here
Apparently the safe word has changed to…
NOT THERE IDIOT!!! Followed by a swift elbow to the eye….
Every week, my parents invite me over for a Sunday roast. Then, after that, we all enjoy a meal together.
I ended it after I checked his browser history and found hundreds of video game walk-throughs. Once a cheater, always a cheater.
Of all the things we should be thankful for at this time of year, not being a turkey is probably the main one.
My 12 year old can explain the difference between a sociopath and a psychopath.
I think about that a lot when I’m trying to get to sleep.