When the DJ asks if we are ready to party I sometimes lie & say yes even though I really need like 10 min to get ready
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REASONS TO KEEP A WRITER IN YOUR HOME
• they know weird facts
• they’re low maintenance because all they do is eat and write
• great for midnight chats because they don’t sleep
• if they have to edit they’ll procrastinate by cleaning your whole house
I’m opening a funeral home that has a bar in it. I know right?
me: it’s our third date, you know what this means
him: *confidently* I think I do
me: *saves his number in my contacts*
Genie: *facepalm* And your final wish?
Me: To not have Alzheimers anymore
*looks at two lifetime supplies of skittles*
Genie: Probably should have opened with that
boy pyromaniac: *starts first fire*
Dad pyromaniac: “im so prou-”
Mom pyromaniac: “dont say it!”
Dad pyromaniac: “im so proud of arson”
where do you get off assuming i don’t love stupid prizes? *proceeds to play stupid games*
me: [trying to cheat in an exam]
teacher: I’m married
My toddler climbed out of her crib and my first thought was “Why don’t they make some kind of lid or attachment for the top of these things?”
Then I realized thaaaaat’s a cage.
To whoever needs to hear this: Tie your hair back before you pick up all the dog poop.
Flex on a demon by possessing it first.
People always say that when you have two kids that they’ll play together so it’s less work for the parents. Nobody mentions how loud they play together though.
*calls son at college*
Pop quiz, son
“Ok”
What’s the opposite of a hot dog
“Um…a cold cat?”
Exactly. Now let’s talk about Fluffy
I’m just saying, the ratio of people who say they “make their own sauce” doesn’t correlate with the amount of sauce available in stores
Scientists report global context shortage. “I guess I’ll have flan,” some scientist said, totally out of context.
ME: Good date?
FRIEND: Ok. Until he got undressed
ME: Then what?
FRIEND: [sticks out pinky finger]
ME: Ah. Then he drank tea in a fancy way
I don’t want well-wishes for international women’s day, I want a dragon.
ME: [on the phone] Plz come home from work
WIFE: Why
ME: Theres a spider in the bathroom
WIFE: so kill it
ME:[whispering] its got my gun
me: the good news is I got the job. the bad news is I have to wear a suit
her: that’s not so bad
[next day]
me: *putting on a hotdog outfit* wish me luckher: I see
Sometimes you just need to dance naked in the kitchen. The manager at this Burger King seems to feel differently though.
MISSING: 5 year old
LAST SEEN: Moments after I said, “Bath time.”
DESCRIPTION: Naked, sporting 20-23 Spider-Man band-aids
You would think a Steven with a ph would know better than to address me as Alison with two Ls.
Me: OMG! Those pics are awful! Why didn’t you use a filter?
Doctor: Ma’am, those are photos from your colonoscopy.
Me: And?
pat pat
latin students necrophiliacs
🤝
enjoying a dead tongue
careful fellas!
when you text a girl, you also text like 7 of her other friends.
i wonder if the inventor of rotisserie chicken is turning in his grave
First thing I do in the 10 items or less line is count the number of items the person in front of me has.
coroner: it’s natural, just air escaping the body
my wife: could we remove the kazoo
Why is called an “extraction” and not an “amputeeth”?
Me: oh shit there’s my ex girlfriend will you hold my hand so she gets jealous
Dad: sure kiddo